Oct 20, 2009

Local Bad Speller Bags Limit On Opening Day of 2009 'Elf' Hunting Season

In one of those stories that can only happen in a small town in the Palouse, a local farmer/rancher, Tyrone 'Tubby' Festoon, age 51, set back man/elf relations by several decades after bagging his limit of the unfortunately colorful, boisterous, whimsical, light-hearted (not to mention fleet footed!) yet supposedly mythical, lore-inspired creatures, late Tuesday. "What??? You mean it ain't actually 'elf' season? Dang it, man!! I knew I should have stayed in school past the 8th grade! How was I to know that it wasn't legal to go blasting away at that colony of the 'little beggars' over in that fanciful little nook by the Bodine place? Sure, they ain't good eating or nothing - they are kind of stringy and rangy-tasting with way too many bones (although rumor has it that they taste considerably better when served with 'sugar-plums' and/or other mythical foods that no modern person has ever actually eaten!) - but the crafty critters are darn hard to get a good bead on - what with all that fairy dust and those lucky charms and all of that sort of nonsense flying thru the air once they get spooked" he expounded. "How was I to know that it wasn't legal to hunt them things? And what am I supposed to do with that new "Elf dog" I paid $450 for to that smooth-talking guy over there in Idaho? It ain't like you can retrain a specialized animal like that to retrieve a pheasant or whatever. Man, this just stinks...! And now I am sure I will have any number of elfin curses or pointy-eared hexes or whatever on me now, too! Like I need more of those!"

"Dang it, the doggone hunting laws in the State of Washington are just so dadburn confusing that they can't help but make honest citizens like myself into wanton criminals and virtual 'scoff-laws'! That just ain't right. I'm an American! And on top of all of that, I guess I can't count on that new '4-wheeler' from Santa this Christmas, either. I wonder if those pesky Palouse elves are related to them 'North Pole' ones. That's all I need - a blood feud with the global cabal of elves, with that renowned brawler and 'kung-fu master' Santa Claus thrown into the mix, too! I knew I should have listened to the wife and called that Kynda Browning from Tekoa before I went out this morning. She seems to know everything about everything when it comes to the Law - and she has a good, positive, helpful attitude, unlike some people I could mention!" he said, glaring regrettably at his physically menacing mother-in-law and her significantly younger (not to mention shockingly smaller) and decidedly subservient 'new boyfriend' (man-friend seems too much of a stretch, even in the most generous of moods!) who were looming/cowering, respectively, close by.

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