Oct 28, 2009

Official Town 'Busy Body' Sets Bedtime For Entire Town At 8:30 PM Sharp!

In a long overdue move (according to some) designed to save on heating costs and to cut down on and/or eliminate clandestine 'late night shenanigans' and unseen 'rabble-rousing', Elma Snopes, age 71, a recent farm widow, has formally decreed that anyone in Lamont not under the covers when she comes in to turn off the light is going to 'get the what-for, and how!' Elma, a walking example of "early to bed, early to rise" as well as "only the good die young', is a firm believer in the age old precept of 'idle hands (not observed by her) are the devil's workshop", has the onset of age-related night-blindness and fears that she will miss out on a tremendous amount of 'scoop' and 'scuttle-butt' if things go on in the Town that are outside her natural abilities to snoop on due to a medical condition that is no fault of her own. "Well, someone has to step up to micromanage and pass judgment on the individual actions of the townsfolk lest things begin to happen that I am not the first to know about" said Elma 'Snoopy' Snopes, showing the grit and determination of a bulldog clamped on the mailman's leg. (Editorial Note: At the Lamont Blog we are by-and-large 'gender sensitive' so thus prefer the term "mail-person". Anyone offended by this insensitive and shockingly 'politically-incorrect' banter should complain directly to the writer and not to the Town of Lamont, who, as a metropolis, is just as appalled as you are, if not more so!) "My son, Jethro, had an 8:30 PM bedtime for decades, still does, and he lived at home with momma until he turned 51 - just last year. (until he was finally thrown in the slammer!) In never seemed to hurt him none. Sure, he's been married 6 times and has a 'rap sheet' as long as your arm, but no one ever said that my boy had bags under his eyes, for Pete's sake! He's my little angel!" she said lovingly. "Sure, leading a life of crime only during daylight hours has its disadvantages, but it ain't my fault that my boy ain't that bright. Just look at his father, rest his soul. Let's just say that the gene pool on that side of the family ain't more than ankle deep! But anyway, having the town get a good night sleep is a good thing, especially if it gives me a chance to shamelessly meddle in the lives of the entire town!!" said the mother-in-law-like menace to Town peace and happiness - to say nothing of basic privacy principles enshrined someplace in the Bill of Rights or Constitution or Magna Carta or whatever important document covers that sort of thing!

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