Oct 13, 2009

Town Coffers Swell As Halloween-Related Noise Fines Come Pouring In

Plunging bravely into the cold unknown of one of the worst recessions in living memory, the lowly Town of Lamont is playing 'catch as catch can' and padding their already somewhat dubious financial reserves while so caringly increasing the overall quality of life within the Town itself. "Well, it isn't even Halloween yet and we have already noticed a dramatic spike in bizarre, frightening and decidedly 'other-worldly' noise complaints - pretty much when the moon began to get close to full, I guess" said the Mayor, shakily clutching his bottle of 'holy water' while adjusting his protective necklace of garlic cloves. "First, 'Old Man Snopes' called in babbling something about those ghastly, blood-curdling screams coming from the old apple orchard up on the hill. And then Thelma Festoon reported those guys in musty monk cowls with a bunch of black candles (and glowing red eyes!) making creepy chanting noises from the basement of the old, abandoned church (the back door lock is supposedly broken so any old satanic group or pagan rabble can just mosey on in there and do as they please, I guess, with the innocent town folk being none the wiser!) as they called up their so-called 'dark lord' or whatever it is that people like that are always 'summoning up' or 'calling forth' or whatever. (Post Publication Editorial Note: This is a parody on Halloween and not on any known church in the Continental United States, Hawaii or Alaska - so please don't call, write or flood the town with petitions and/or unholy grumblings and gossip. (as is the temptation, or so it would seem!) If you think this (or any article) applies to you and/or your organization, you just might have bigger problems than the lowly Lamont Blog - so it would appear to be prudent to devote your considerable energies there instead! (or go help widows and orphans which is its own reward!) Thank you!) And just last night we got three calls about that incessant wailing and grunting from the walking undead over by 6th and Spokane Streets. Man, at $50 a pop, things are looking rosy, indeed!! You should have seen the sheepish looks on the crumbling, decomposing faces of those inconsiderate and totally self-centered zombies when I so boldly leaped out of the bushes, ticket pad in hand, and put a sweet little $50 fine slip in their gray, sticky, almost fingerless hands! That took the wind right out of their undead sails, I can tell you!!!" said the jubilant Mayor with just a tad too much 'after-the-fact' bravado!

"Sure, we had a good year last year with all that late night chain rattling, the sickening, almost unbearable moaning from the Town's long dead mayors (and many that are still alive!) lamenting and gnashing teeth over my management style and generally progressive orientation; and we also made a 'pretty penny' from those guys from Arkansas or Missouri or wherever it was in 'skin masks' running around with chainsaws at all hours of the day or night trying to get ready for some 'sausage feed' or something. So, we are still several weeks away from the 31st and we have already had numerous reports of mortifying mummy mumblings, gruesome goblin gurgling, sadistic spirit shrieking, and the blood chilling howls of those ever-pesky man-beasts - those annoyingly obnoxious Palouse werewolves! (a distinct breed of werewolf unique to this region!) This noise situation is every Mayor's dream, for Pete's sake!!" he gushed! "And with 2 weeks left, we are certain to get a devil-inspired, gut-wrenching human sacrifice or two, have at least one graveyard pour forth its writhing, angry, 'envious-of-the-living' undead and we will almost certainly get a few complaints about this coven or that coven (Heaven knows we have more than a few - although most live outside town and ironically they all seem to hate the town Mayor with a devilish passion!) making too much noise as they haggle and bicker over their big, flame-licked iron pot, making the devil's gumbo or goulash or whatever it is that those people make when they are feeling naughty! And this is on top of all the noise fines we normally get from the farmers and ranchers because of their over-stressed digestive systems caused by a horrendously poor diet! That alone makes up almost 10% of our annual budget!" he said appreciatively. "Happy days are here again, at least in the 2nd smallest town in the State!!!! Lamont is just so blessed on so many levels. We have so much to be thankful for!" he concluded while 'crossing himself' and throwing salt over his shoulder while spitting three times to ward off the 'evil eye'.

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