Oct 30, 2009

Local 'Angry Man' Even More Angry After Being Ordered To Attend 'Anger Management' Classes

The fiery furnace of unrestrained anger flared once again after a local man, Denton Festoon, 29, was ordered by the court to undergo supervised 'anger management' classes to help him overcome a life of, well, uncontrolled anger - an emotion that has caused him to traipse on the shady side of the law more often than was appropriate, or so it would seem in the eyes of the long-suffering Judge. Denton, whose coping skills are those of a young, spoiled child, never learned the essentials of self-restraint after being raised in a household that many recall as being 'filled with shouting and things flying thru the air', and that had a semi-permanent cloud of quite extensive and varied profanity hovering right above where he was raised with 3 other angry, self-entitled siblings by less-than-constrained and highly-volatile parents.

"Oh, that makes me so mad!!" said Mr. Festoon while briskly running his hands thru his tragically thinning hair, pacing back and forth menacingly while making no attempt to conceal his beet red cheeks. "If they want me to stop being so angry, then why do they have to go and tell me what to do? I get so mad when people tell me what to do! I would never be mad in the first place if people didn't spend so much time making me mad!" he said, spittle flying in a 180 degree arc from his wildly undulating, snarling, near bloodless lips. "Like that time there was that new clerk at Wal-Mart and she didn't ask me nicely enough to 'have a good day' after I spent the last of my money on that 30-pack of beer or when I was out in the yard, minding my own business, picking up beer cans from the night before (in a 'wife-beater' tee-shirt, no less!) and 'Old Man Snopes' drove by and gave me a less than enthusiastic wave! Who does he think he is?? I can't be blamed for getting angry when people go so far out of their way to provoke me. I just don't see why the whole world does not cater to my poorly defined, ever-changing and mercurial moods and to my largely unstable mental state. And they should know when I have been drinking in excess and adjust their behavior accordingly - whether they are strangers or not!!! If they did that then everything would be just fine."

"But no, people just act like my minute-by-minute mood swings are of no interest to them. Well, I'll show them that they better take an interest in me!!! I'll show them! I have a long memory and I always get even - regardless of how small or totally contrived my grievance actually is!" he bellowed insanely. "And who does that Judge think he is telling me what to do? He should just mind his own darn business and butt out of my life!! If I get in trouble with the Law again for losing all self-control - then I can just blame it all on that no-good, meddling, 'goodie-two-shoes' judge. I know for a fact that it ain't my fault. And when people insinuate that I might bear some of the responsibility for my own actions - that is when I get really mad!!! See, I am in a vicious cycle! Regardless of what happens I end up getting mad. Why can't the whole world just see that and adjust itself accordingly?" he raged, his temples throbbing with huge, purple, snake-like veins that were not there a minute ago.

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