Oct 7, 2009

Local Farmers Resort To Using Hillary Clinton In Last Ditch Effort To Win War On Noxious Weeds

In a shocking escalation in the ongoing war between man and the hoards of weeds that plague the Palouse, local agricultural professionals had no choice but to go 'nuclear' in an effort to end their seemingly hopeless struggle against their nemesis - those dadburn, dern-near-indestructible, good-for-nothing, (not-to-mention-pesky!) 'weeds'. "Well, I never thought I would willingly invite any Democrat, let alone the worst of the bunch, the Queen Bee herself, Hillary Clinton, onto my land - but desperate times require desperate measures, I guess" said Stumpy Snopes, 57, a local farmer/rancher. "Year after year we funneled untold millions into the coffers of the 'Herbicide Industrial Complex' and it seems like all we ever got was stronger, more surly weeds the following year. So we would up the dosage and/or go to the much touted 'new and improved' herbicides - and for what?" he said despairingly. "We have weeds now that my father would never have recognized - like they have been taking steroids and lifting weights or something. Half the time I am afraid to go out into my fields alone - and I have a pretty good idea what has been happening to all those cattle that have disappeared! It has just gotten out of control so we had to do something drastic. Lord knows we all hoped that it would never have had to come to this!!" said Snopes. "And my poor daddy is turning over in his grave right now because Hillary is coming to the 'Stinky R Ranch'! I just hope he understands!"

The farmers and ranchers in and around Lamont have pooled their resources and agreed to hire Mrs. Clinton in this desperate (some would say suicidally insane!) effort that could very well determine the actual survival of the farms and ranches in the area. Mrs. Clinton, a recent failure in the presidential primary contest (after being bitten on the hand by the media dog that she fed so lovingly for all those years!), has plenty of time on her hands - and does not seem to have been above taking money for her so-called 'expertise' (if scandalous rumors are to be believed!) outside of her role in Government (we won't even mention her husband!). Although contractual details are still fuzzy, it appears that Mrs. Clinton has agreed to be strapped to the back of a tractor and driven back and forth over the fields and pastures of the Palouse, screeching and making facial gestures at the weeds. "Well, I watched those presidential debates and I could not get out of bed for a week! It was like the very life itself was sucked right out of me!" said Festus Bodine, a local rancher. "Those weeds don't stand a chance! I almost feel sorry for them. Does any living thing deserve that kind of treatment? But it is an 'us versus them' thing now - survival of the fittest - and if we have the 'Clinton Option', it would be foolish not to use it, regardless of how 'off-putting' it is to our civilized natures." he said pathetically.

Although this will cost extra (details are in a secret contract addendum), in particularly tough weed areas, Mrs. Clinton will be paid a premium to recount how "She ain't going to be staying home baking no cookies for her man!!" which has been proven to be unusually effective against all known life forms. (farmers/ranchers were advised to wear protective 'Reagan Halloween masks' and '3-piece suits' to ward off the ill effects during (and for several hours after!) the Hillary treatment application - although no one is sure how effective these deterrent measures will actually be!!) "Well, I just don't know about tampering with nature like this" said Martin "Peanut' Festoon, 63, a local farmer. "This whole dern plan could very well backfire on us. Once those weeds are exposed to such an unpleasant stimulus, there is no telling what might happen. This whole thing might just spin out of control and we could end up in an even worse place than we are now. Is that a risk we want to take, for Pete's sake???" he mumbled gravely. "Good gravy, man! We could be orchestrating the very end of civilization as we know it!!!"


odarlingerika said...

It is a durn good thing I have me a bomb shelter in my back yard...I don't think my ears could take that kind of abuse...let alone my poor attack parrots....what is a person to do...I tell ya.

SaukMtnMan said...

The photos of Clinton alone are a riot; picturing her strapped to the back of a tractor with those gestures, screeching and shrilling at weeds? It doesn't get any funnier!