Feb 24, 2010

Area Dog Makes FBI's 10 Most Wanted List

An interstate dragnet is currently underway after a Lamont man called authorities to report that one of the FBI's 10 most wanted fugitives - Sammy, a rambunctious and amazingly loyal and cool dog was believed to be secreted away in the desert wastes of the American Southwest - possibly in northwest Arizona (where they like to go during the winter because they are big sissies and 'don't like the cold' - oh brother!). Sammy, an Airedale, was last seen in the company of a woman named 'Sheri', insiders report. The dog, well renowned for chasing lizards and rabbits and pretty much anything that moves, first ran afoul with the FBI after a startling 'cat chasing spree' that extended over several years and took place in any number of States. "Well, this is the sort of crime we take very seriously" said Whiskers, the current head of the FBI - the Feline Bureau of Investigation. "I mean, we know that there will be a certain amount of gratuitous barking and maybe, when things get out of hand, a dog might playfully chase an innocent victim up a tree or something, but this wanton disregard for one's fellow creatures and the sheer gusto with which the fugitive undertakes his pursuit of cats certainly qualifies him for the FBI's 10 Most Wanted List, doggone it! We will run this 'Hell Hound' to ground if it takes all the resources of this department!" he hissed while trying in vain to make the hair on his tail not stick out quite so much!

The dog's owner, Sheri, (no last names used upon advice of our lawyers!) appears to be a quite exceptional person who has devoted her life to the Lord, which makes the 'hell raising' of Sammy all the more shocking. "Well, I have known Sheri for any number of years, ever since she came to my church and basically told us to get off our dead rear ends and encouraged us quite unsuccessfully to pay more than lip service to our Christian commitment" said Melba Bodine, an area farm/ranch wife and sometime church-goer. "I mean, Sheri was so sharp and personable and sweet, yet highly focused and effective, so I just find it shocking that she would be seen in the company with such an obvious 'scoff-law' and renegade pooch!" said Melba while pushing her face between both hands like she always does when she is upset. "It just goes to show you, you just can't - wait, what was I just saying - something about - oh yea, the dog" said the scatterbrain airhead (not to be confused with a scavenging Airedale!). "I just have to advise her, if she is listening, 'Sheri, please just turn yourself and Sammy into the authorities! The Good Book says to 'Give unto Caesar what is Caesar's' - and regardless of how much you love that dog or if you are being held hostage by love - or heaven forbid, if you have that whole 'Stockholm Syndrome' thing like Patty Hearst or whatever, it is always good to come clean with the Law. And I feel certain that Sammy will get a fair trial and all, unless, of course, there happens to be 12 cats on the jury! Oh, what a terrible mess!" she bellowed, doing that 'face-scrunching' thing again!

1 comment:

Handsome Huey said...

Sheri happens to be my twin sister and that hell-raising mongrel of hers raised a ruckus here in the bay area awhile back! Sheri brought him with her en route from northern Idaho to Arizona, and our kitty, Samantha, did not take kindly to Sammy's presence on our property. Thanks for the fabulous blog! I love it and miss the good ol' northwest! - Lisa (Rogers) Travis