Feb 1, 2010

Rancher's Son Stuns Palouse - "I was born a vegetarian!" Says The Lost, Tragically Confused Young Man!

In a sad, desperate, somewhat disturbing gesture that has left the entire Palouse shaking their heads in sadness and suspicion, (not to mention wagging their tongues to no end - although that behavior is not entirely new!) the son of a somewhat disreputable farming/ranching cabal, Stinky Snopes, age 19, threw caution to the wind and declared for all to hear that he has always felt an aversion to meat in general and beef in particular and that from here on out he would prefer a simple salad or vegetable medley over the more traditional and manly fare of huge slabs of blood-red beef carved off of the still warm carcass and slapped on the family BBQ grill for just 'a minute or two'. The madman, Stinky, just felt that it was time to let everyone know who he really was inside and decided that he could no longer 'live the lie', regardless of whatever social repercussions might ensue! Upon hearing the startling news, Gertrude Snopes, the raving lunatic's mother, was overcome by a swoon and has not emerged from the safe confines of her fortress-like room, leaving the family with yet another grave issue to contend with - the intake of 3 square meals a day! (Don't forget snacks! What about the snacks?) (Editorial Note: Prevailing local wisdom (talk about an oxymoron! Whoa!) seems to conclude that the unfortunate, confused, totally bonkers 'prodigal son', Stinky, must have been bitten by a rabbit or squirrel or something and in classic Dracula fashion has now become some unholy predatory monstrosity hellbent on crunching on innocent radishes and vulnerable bean sprouts or whatever unfortunate yet tasteless legume has outrageous amounts of fibrous pulp in it!)

"Well, needless to say, the whole family is taking this pretty hard" said the subdued and saddened Skeeter Snopes, age 51, the insane boy's father. Sure, it is a real blessing not having the wife nagging and needling at me all the time, but the boy's un-American views and the fact that I don't even know how to turn on the stove makes that little glimmer of freedom and sanity fade somewhat, I guess" he said sadly. "I mean, how could a boy like that come from my loins? We are a beef eating family, for goodness sake! And what sort of commie-loving man-hater came up with the basic design for the common oven? I mean 'come on!' All those knobs and switches and buzzers! The first time I tried to use it I just ended up bursting into tears! That just ain't right! And have you ever tried to cook scrambled eggs on the BBQ grill with all them holes and slats and what not? Oh, how could that boy do this to us?" he fumed. "That whole crazy mess had to come from the wife's side of the family! I mean, she did have that nutty aunt that voted for Jimmy Carter, for crying out loud! Right then I should have trusted my instincts and not chosen her to be the mother of my brood!" he raved.

Although not yet officially 'disowned' from the largely diminished and much over-rated Snopes family fortune (although the family lawyer, Bubba Cheatem, has indeed been contacted, but he was out poaching deer and has not called back yet!), the Snopes boy can't help but feel the cold, loathsome stares of his quite unnecessarily large extended family and thus has taken to spending his free time with the only creatures who seem to understand his confused and irrational worldview - the marginally self-serving yet surprisingly big-hearted herd itself! Cows, as is well documented, have an innate ability to sense a broken heart in both man and beast alike and can't help but lend a supportive nuzzle or a soothing moo at a moment's notice - all in a vain attempt to show the brave, wayward human vanguard that he is indeed not alone and might be onto something, after all! Plus, at the rate the Snopes clan consumes beef, this bold stance will more than likely ensure that at least 3-4 of their number will still be alive at this time next year!

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