Feb 23, 2010

Area Psychologists Concerned Over Sheer Number Of Misfortunes Mayor Is Forced To Endure In Typical Lamont Blog 'News Coverage'

In a trend so sinister and macabre that even the most hardened criminals and mother-in-laws recoil in disgust and consternation, a number of prestigious area psychologists have raised the 'red flag of concern' after it became apparent that the Lamont Blog has more than a passing fancy with 'causing mayoral discomfiture' in highly disturbing yet quite appropriate and enjoyable ways! "Well, being an expert on the criminal mind, I could not help but admire the sheer genius and versatility with which the Lamont Blog was able to discombobulate a duly elected member of the Town's management team" said Theodore Fogelgoober, an area psychologist. "I mean, after over 180 articles, not a single member of the council has suffered above the norm for Lamont, that is, although the Mayor has been continually vexed in so many diverse and varied ways that even Stephen King, in his prime, could never dream up half of them! Well, first, the Mayor had that painfully poisonous Madagascar jumping spider attach itself to his tragically exposed flesh (we dare not get any more specific in regard to location, given the Mayor's preference for 'plumber friendly' pants and his aversion to belts!). Then there was that Great White shark attack in Sprague Lake, not to mention the vexation of any number of belching volcanoes, rampaging vampires, relentless wolf packs, roving wiener dogs, repetitive lightening strikes, rampaging circus elephants, mundane bathtub accidents, frenzied killer bee swarms, perplexing parachute mishaps, falling tree limbs, yawning sink holes emerging quite unexpectedly in his path, crazed wild bird attacks (oh, the Mayor is deathly afraid of crows in particular!), exploding household appliances, creepy satanic rituals, spontaneous cattle stampedes, the Spanish Inquisition, malignant mafia ruffians, cantankerous kicking mules, angry grandmothers with rolling pins, freakish fireworks disasters, runaway lawn mowers, marauding army ants, that 'blue ice' that sometimes falls from passenger airplanes, various and sundry hideous yet hilarious tropical diseases - to say nothing of unexplained cases of quite spectacular spontaneous combustion and various other forms of 'deeds most foul'! Oh, and how many times can one man be expected to choke on a doggone chicken bone cleverly slipped between two pieces of white bread by a trusted friend or staid church lady, for crying out loud? What a slow learner! No wonder he agreed to be the Mayor! I am not sure, but I am sensing a disturbing pattern developing here! I cannot help but think there might be some hidden message being conveyed, if we were only smart enough to figure it out, doggone it!" said the flabbergasted yet none-too-swift Fogelgoober. The Mayor, for his part, could not be reached for this article given that he is cowering shamelessly in full body armor (the old, medieval, metal kind!) inside Dick Cheney's now infamous 'bunker' in some now equally infamous 'undisclosed location' - although it is rumored that he did in fact mumble "Darn their eyes!' to no one in particular while shaking his mailed fist in the general direction of Lamont although no one is quite sure what he said given the fact that he had his muffling and echo-producing helmet visor/face guard down at the time!

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