Feb 10, 2010

Area Middle-Aged Man Regrets Going Down On One Knee In Traditional Marriage Proposal

In what any reasonable person would consider an absolutely unimaginable 'worst case scenario' under the circumstances, an area farmer/rancher, Lester Bodine, 53, failed to factor in his current bout with 'various issues' when he quite gallantly (yet awkwardly and with no shortage of grunts, groans and creepy creaking and popping noises!) went down on one knee to propose to the blushing and quite imperturbable future Mrs. Bodine, Sally Blat, age 49. The incident, not soon forgotten by either party, took place out in the Bodine barn by that tractor (what more romantic place can you think of in wheat country?) that Lester seems to spend entirely too much time working on (any rumors to the effect that a bottle of 'hooch' is hidden out there have yet to be confirmed - so should only be half believed!). "Well, needless to say I was a little nervous, and in a vain attempt to rein in my somewhat ponderous gut, I must have cinched up my belt way too tight or something - that or my 'all meat diet' might not be in line with matrimonial bliss - who knows!" said the sheepish and still horrified Bodine. "Anyway, with all the dignity I could muster, I gazed lovingly into her eyes as I made my way down onto one knee (Lester was never very good at multi-tasking!) when "it just happened"! Oh, the horror!!! Even the poor horse threw back it's ears in terror and shame and looked like it was about to bolt at the sudden, ominous, totally humiliating travesty of cosmic injustice! All I could think was "Oh, please tell me that that did NOT just happen! Not now of all times!" (Rumor has it that he inherited that 'little problem' directly from Grandma Bodine, now deceased - and like with many things, it must skip a generation, thank goodness!) I just wanted to crawl under the hay and die - but somehow I just soldiered on!" said the brave, heroic man who, by all accounts, is now a role model to darn near every farmer in the Palouse! (more like the whole lower 48 states!)

"Well, of course it was like a dream come true! Finally I had a man who would propose to me in the right way!" said the beaming future Mrs. Sally Bodine. My first husband's proposal was somewhat overshadowed by my red-faced father and that unfortunate shotgun or whatever, and I don't really remember my second marriage proposal (or the wedding!) due to a preponderance of banana daiquiris coupled with the reckless abandon of my somewhat fading youth! (don't forget the tequila shots!). Anyway, since both of my initial efforts at marital union ended in crushing failure, needless to say I was more than a little pleased to be courted by such an obvious gentleman!" she blushed. "And besides, any man who would propose in a barn that hadn't been shoveled out in over a month should not worry about silly things like a little digestive incongruity! (What a trooper! Does she have a sister? And who said that American womanhood was dead? Hope lives eternal!) Believe me, once I am his wife, there will be no end to the various ways I can slip "Beano" into his daily routine! My sister even told me how to put it into his tube of toothpaste! (This problem must be more widespread than previously thought!) But I have faith that our marriage will never get to that level" she said naively. (That is what Grandpa Bodine said!) "Anyway, after that unfortunate incident, I encouraged him to continue his proposal over by the thankfully open barn door (yes, she had to help him back up - no small task, indeed!) and I immediately said yes, of course I would marry him! That was a very special day for me! (even though he forgot all about the ring, the cheapskate!) I just can't wait until we are married so I can begin changing every aspect of his life that he holds dear with earnest abandon!" she said with that sly, knowing smile of all 'soon-to-be' brides, regardless of age.

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