Feb 6, 2010

Area Man Shields Self From Cold, Cruel World With Impenetrable Barrier Of Seemingly Endless Clichés

An area farmer/rancher, Elmer Bodine, age 56, has spent his largely meaningless and unfulfilling life recoiling from rejection, heartache, misery and crushing failure by building a remarkably elaborate, multi-layered yet surprisingly robust defense mechanism of darn near endless clichés from across the ages. Mr. Bodine, married to the lovely yet decidedly loveless former Gertrude Festoon, is the proud father of 5 thankless, cretin-like children and has even owned a string of worthless dogs who couldn't be bothered to mind, refuse to be potty trained and tend to befriend those no-good local coyotes that frequent the ranch.

"Well, all the flowers of tomorrow are indeed in the seeds of yesterday" said the downtrodden Elmer while fixing that car tire that just won't hold air. "I mean, I do not have an ax to grind and believe in blooming where you are planted, but I ain't no turnip that fell off of the turnip truck! Sure, I know it is like closing the barn door after the horse escapes, and might even be seen as biting the hand that once fed me, but taking over this rundown ranch from my father was like a poke in the eye with a sharp stick! I know they say the apple doesn't fall far from the tree and one mustn't look a gift horse in the mouth, but I just wish one of my brothers got roped into running this ranch instead of me!" he fumed, showing that all too familiar chip on his shoulder! "Yeah, I know that even a blind squirrel can find an acorn from time to time and that little strokes can fell the mighty oak, but working around smelly cows was never my life's ambition, so sometimes I just cannot see the forest for the trees, even though ranching does beat picking cotton, I guess. I just feel like my very soul is drier than a burnt bush and although I know that crows are black everywhere, (he forgot every rose has a thorn and every path has a puddle!), but bless my bloomers, I just wish I could live outside of my daddy's shadow" said the rancher in full cliché mode now.

"The wife keeps telling me that beauty is in the eye of the beholder (Of course she does!) and that I shouldn't make a mountain out of a molehill (Does she ever tell herself that? Whoa!), but I must be as slow as molasses or something, because although I have left no stone unturned in pursuit of some small window of happiness, I just feel that I have bitten off more than I can chew here and it is all I can do just staying one day ahead of yesterday! I know from small beginnings great things come, but I have been ranching for 36 years and just feel like sowing my wild oats - the few that I have left!" he whined. "I mean, I know that if beauty is a mistress, then of course the gardener is her slave, but all I want is the last rose of summer, not the whole dern flower shop! I never was able to charm the birds from the trees or nothing, and don't want to put the cart before the horse, and I certainly don't expect all my weeds to bring forth wildflowers, but a little appreciation from the wife and kids from time to time would sure be welcome! (Good luck with that!) I just wish that at least one cloud would have a silver lining and that great oaks do indeed come from little acorns of hope, but a simple 'thank you' would go a long way now that I can't help but feel that for the want of a nail the shoe is lost! As one flower does not a spring make, I know that one kind word would not overcome decades of human misery, but everything has a season and every stick has two ends. But if the expression 'he who sows virtue reaps fame' is true, then I am due for an extended stay on 'American Idol', that's all. I don't mean to guild the lily, but that would sure butter my grits! But what do I know? I'm just the dumb son who got stuck on the ranch while my brothers get to 'trip the light fantastic' on the yellow brick road of the American dream!" (I was hoping he would get to my favorite - 'When keeping healthy, a clove of garlic is worth 10 mothers!!') (sorry mom!)

(Editorial Note: The Lamont Blog is decidedly and unreservedly 'pro-mother' and thus we have no choice but to disassociate ourselves from that largely unnecessary gratuitous disparagement of motherly nurturing skills! Rest assured, disciplinary action is indeed being considered! Now, if he would have just shamelessly attacked 'mother-in-laws' that would have been a different kettle of fish altogether!)

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