Feb 12, 2010

Local Mayor Secretly Contemplates Renaming Town "Lamontford"

In what is indeed either the highest form of flattery or a tragic and acute onset of truly disturbing mental illness, a local mayor was so impressed and 'gob smacked' by the charming and promise-filled town of Rockford, WA (in spite of the fact that they are in Spokane County and not Whitman!) and he sees no other way to compete with them for small town supremacy and, unfortunately for the town, he has also taken up using the expression 'If you can't beat 'em, join 'em' - every 15 minutes or so for the last several weeks. (like a dadburn parrot!) Rockford, perfectly situated near the Idaho border and less than a half hour away from the largest metropolitan area in all of eastern Washington, has even gone so far on the road of 'coolness' that they have annual frog races for their doggone citizenry"! "Oh, sure, they make it look easy..." said the obviously exasperated Mayor. "It is unfair for some smarty-pants outsider to get all puffed up and say that Lamont should battle on and not capitulate in the face of such obviously superior organization and planning skills, but even I, not being the brightest bulb on the Christmas tree, can see that this is just one fight that the Town of Lamont has no hope of ever winning. Sure, we might be able to get cool restaurants and maybe a business or two (in about 30 years!) - and yeah, we can plant trees all over the place that might grow to be as beautiful as Rockford's, (ditto on the 30 years!) but that doggone brilliant 'frog race' thing is just something we can never hope to duplicate. No one is more frustrated and saddened by Rockford's obvious superiority as a functioning community than me, but as the leader of this Town I have to make the tough calls, and every fiber of my being leads me to seek an alliance with the obviously more organized Town of Rockford. (or are they officially 'a city' now? We wouldn't put that past them, the show-offs!) Further conflict is pointless! We must seek an alliance with the victorious Rockfordians!" said the obviously shaken and humbled public servant. "That doggone Micki Harnois and her organizational genius ways!!! Darn her eyes!" said the Mayor while shaking his fist in the general direction of Idaho. (Don't even mention their Clerk/Treasurer Darlene or he is liable to start banging his head on the fire station door again!)

The Mayor, after struggling with the very un-Churchill-like decision, was then faced with the seemingly monumental task of negotiating the alliance without giving up too much of the uniqueness that is Lamont. "Well, at first I just figured we would call ourselves "Rockford by the Scablands", but that was just stupid since the Scablands are pretty frightening. "Then I was pretty much sold on naming the Town 'Rockmont" - but that sounded like some obscure type of ground squirrel or something. (Editorial Note: The Mayor is deathly afraid of rodents so that was a non-starter, needless to say!) Finally, it just hit me like a bolt of clarity - I could keep the essential Town name while adopting the all important 'ford' aspect of our organizational and administrative betters! That choice seemed to please everyone!" (except the folks who never adapted to Lamont being called Lamont in the first place and who continue to call it by its much less descriptive title 'Town'.)

And don't forget that Rockford has a surprisingly fun-sounding 'Sadie Hawkins' dance on May 1st from 6:00-10:00 PM in the Rockford Fairgrounds (Oh, please don't get the Mayor started on why Rockford gets to have a fairgrounds and Lamont doesn't even have a public restroom! Oh, please just don't go there!). All funds go to support the vital and culturally significant Rockford Fairgrounds - a worthwhile cause indeed! Mark your calendars this instant or you might just get a visit from one of the Lamont farmers/ranchers! In fact, Bubba Bodine is all gassed up and ready to 'come a callin'! (believe me, you don't want that!) Rumor has it that a Lamont contingent, including the Mayor, is planning on coming to the dance, too! (Don't let that discourage you, however!)

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