Feb 17, 2010

Feather's Fly After Town Council's Inaction Skewers 'Chickens In Lamont' Idea Yet Again! (Based on a true story!)

At the February Lamont Town Council meeting, the normally agitated and easily excited citizenry in the 2nd smallest Town in the State took on the semblance of a bustling hornet's nest that someone kicked with a steel-toed boot after the idea of allowing chickens in Town for meat and eggs was brought up for the 4th time in 4 years. The crux of the controversy, or so it seemed, revolved not around the inherent value of chickens (Lamont does not discriminate on the basis of feathers! Scales, maybe - but not feathers!) or whether eggs were really that high in cholesterol, but whether in fact the overall citizenry of Lamont had the basic self-control principles, rudimentary animal husbandry essentials and those obviously illusive time-management skills to raise the poor, unfortunate beasts in a humane and neighbor-friendly way. "Well, if you are going to pass a law at the Town level, it has to apply to the whole Town, not just a few select individuals" said the Mayor while finishing off the last of the drumsticks. "And let's face it, like with many small towns, Lamont has a sizable segment of the population who will grasp on desperately to any new idea with all the fickle fervor they possess - only to allow it to fade into insignificance after a week or two." (Editorial Note: Just look at all of those exercise machines strewn around the place - all purchased last year sometime around 3:00 AM during that doggone "Big Valley" TV Marathon, for goodness sake!) "But with chickens, you enter into a whole new realm as the squawking, strutting, amazingly stupid animals become irresistible to every passing dog that jumped the fence and/or coyote just passing thru to wherever coyotes like to go - not to mention the 2-legged variety of predator that never internalized the Good Book's admonition on 'Not coveting thy neighbor's barn foul'. (And doesn't Lamont have more than its fair share of 'squawking hens' as it is, now?) Oh, in retrospect, it was a recipe for disaster, especially since Lamont is so small the Mayor would have to become the 'Chicken Police'! (Mental picture of Barney Fife of Mayberry fame in a Colonel Sanders costume - only without the bullet, of course!)

"So, like with families, certain individuals have to be denied basic avenues of self expression because others in their social unit are not willing or capable of managing certain aspects of the human experience, and in Lamont that normally centers around animals of any kind" (How many of us, with heavy hearts, have had to deny one of our loving children a flamethrower or Uzi submachine gun or grenade launcher because of some wayward younger brother or sister who would certainly use it for nefarious purposes? Yes, being a parent or civic leader is not easy, no sir!) said the Mayor who has failed to notice that sizable blob of BBQ sauce dangling dangerously from the corner of his moustache. "We have many wonderful dog owners here, but there is an unfortunate segment who view dogs not as valuable additions to their family group but as mere status symbols or tokens that were cute as puppies and that should have just never grown up. It is all very tragic. And it is those same 'unloved' dogs who would be raiding the poorly tended chicken coops of their irresponsible neighbors - thus causing internal strife and discord on a completely new and unnecessary level - this at a time when people are just starting to come to grips with the fact that over 1/2 the Town is now paved - thanks to the TIB and Century West Engineering" he said. (Oh, who would have guessed that the 'Pro Gravel Road Lobby' would be so noisy and boisterous? Talk about commitment!) "Ironically, it is this same segment of the population - the ones who resent pavement and who have the misbehaving dogs that would attack their neighbor's chickens - and I feel certain that they would be the first to put in substandard chicken coops and then complain when someone else's dog made a midnight raid. So the Council, in their wisdom, signaled that the answer was still 'no' - however unfair that may seem to the people who would be good chicken owners! (that decision, however controversial, gives new meaning to the age old adage 'No Harm - No Foul', indeed!) (Okay, that was a pretty obvious and cheesy one!! Sorry!) Welcome to the 'give and take', 'push and pull', 'one step forward, two steps back' world of small town politics!" he said humbly while that irrepressible blob of BBQ sauce finally made its slow, torturous way to the front of his poorly ironed shirt.

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