In one of those stories that could only happen in the Palouse, the head of a somewhat disreputable and ornery area farm/ranch cabal, Elmer 'Old Man' Snopes, has somehow managed to muddle thru his entire life without ever changing the expression on his face - much to the discomfort of friends and family alike, insiders report. The progenitor of the disturbingly large and unfortunately energetic Snopes clan just never seemed to get around to manipulating his facial muscles - thus leading to a disturbing case of atrophy that, at this point, appears to be beyond the scope of medical science itself. "Oh, why did you have to bring up that whole unfortunate 'frisky business'! whispered the obviously nervous and distraught Ida Snopes, 79, Elmer's long suffering wife. "I mean, how much torment is one woman expected to endure in this seemingly endless lifetime? Sure, I love him and all, but some mental images are better left to the distant, murky past, for Pete's sake! And that one certainly falls into that decidedly unpleasant category! Oh, I'll have nightmares for weeks now! Thanks loads, whatever your name is!" she shuddered while spitting and crossing herself several times! (too bad she didn't have any salt to throw over her shoulder!)"Well, let's just say that my daddy is not only a man of few words, but he also don't go around wasting all his time and energy on making useless facial expressions to make himself seem all friendly and normal and human and all of that nonsense" said Festus Snopes, Elmer's oldest son. (not to be confused with 'Fester Snopes', purportedly a cousin in ways that the Law doesn't allow!) Let's just say that you never want to play poker against the man! He's dern near impossible to read! It's eerie! He just stares at you with those beady little eyes and you never know if he is bluffing or if he has all four aces! If he was ever able to actually learn the rules of poker, that man would have been a phenomenon. I guess it is a good thing that he ain't that smart!" concluded the chip off the old block.
"Well, needless to say it is hard to pick out Christmas presents for my daddy" said Ida Lou Snopes Bodine, 56, the patriarch's somewhat high strung and excitable daughter. "My whole life I have tried in vain to please that man, but regardless of what I got him and no matter how much it cost, when he got done pulling off the Christmas paper, he would just look up at me with those droopy, sunken eyes and I never could tell if he really liked it or not! Sure, he would mumble a few words of thanks or whatever, but don't all disappointed fathers do that? Oh, for the last 50 years I have been reduced to uncontrollable tears on each and every Christmas morning! I hate Christmas! I hate my life! Why doesn't he love me? Why can't I be a good daughter to him, unlike that hellion she-cat sister of mine! Oh, just leave me alone now! Leave me to my torment!" sobbed the insane daughter/drama queen! (Editorial Note: Why can't she be the one in the family with no outward signs of emotion? Oh yeah, life is fair!)
No comments:
Post a Comment