Mar 26, 2010

Area Mayor Steamed After Councilperson Announces Upcoming Holiday To Long Beach, WA (a doggone rival town!)

In a shocking display of duplicity and backstabbing not seen since Benedict Arnold did whatever it was that Benedict Arnold did to make himself so loathsome (that must have been after they named that delicious breakfast entree after him - Eggs Benedict! Hey, that means the poor guy can't be totally rotten, after all!) - a local Councilperson of some renown - Ruth Simpson - is all excited and is telling everyone she knows that she is 'getting away from Lamont' and going for 4 days to one of the most beautiful and best managed small cities in the State - the entirely too organized, strategically located, blessed by nature and just generally attractive City of Long Beach - a long time Lamont rival - at least from Lamont's point of view, anyway. "Oh, we are just so excited! I really need a vacation and going someplace really nice like Long Beach is just so perfect!" she droned on annoyingly as the Mayor stood idly by, feigning icy disinterest while gazing out the window with hardly concealed disgust and feelings of betrayal. "It has been a while since I got to go on vacation, and when the opportunity to go to Long Beach for a long weekend came up, of course I was all for it!" said the outrageous turncoat while twisting the knife just that much more! "Four whole days right on the Pacific Ocean, relaxing and going for walks and visiting museums and bookstores and eating at nice restaurants! Who could ask for anything more?" blathered the unbelievable ingrate who obviously somehow has overlooked Lamont's somewhat dubious claim to be the 'Vacation Mecca of the Northwest Scablands'. "And the good thing is, I bet we don't even see a cow the whole time we are there! Never mind all the smells we will leave behind in Lamont!" said the insane rebel who needs to be placed in a mental institution. "My daughter and I are just so excited" she said cruelly, obviously attempting to reduce the poor Mayor to tears at the outrageous cheekiness of it all!

"La, la, la, la, la, la. I can't hear you! La, la, la, la, la!" chanted the Mayor with his hands firmly clasped over his ears as Councilperson Simpson was describing the awesome accommodations that she will be staying at while visiting that doggone Long Beach - one of the hidden gems of Washington State. "Jimmy cracked corn, and I don't care, Jimmy cracked corn, and I don't care!" ranted the tone-deaf Mayor as Ms. Simpson plowed on thru these quite infantile distractions and explained their itinerary and outlined all the fun things she is planning to do to a shockingly large group of highly interested yet amazingly disloyal citizens who just seemed to come boiling out of their houses on word that Ruth was going to Long Beach! (has the whole town gone mad?) "Oh, why do I feel like Caesar while she is that doggone Brutus? What is wrong with her just staying right here? If she needs to 'get away', there is plenty of room to pitch a tent in the park! Who could ask for more than that??? I just can't believe what I am hearing here!" he whined pathetically while shaking his fist in the general direction of the Pacific Ocean. "Darn their eyes!" he bellowed melodramatically before slinking back to the office to lick his wounds and regroup to fight another day against seemingly insurmountable odds brought forth whenever Long Beach is mentioned in any way!

(Editorial Note: Although no one has had the heart to tell the Mayor, Councilperson Simpson has every intention of visiting the Long Beach City offices to say hello and hopefully get some much needed and long overdue tips on how to actually manage a Town, for Pete's sake. (Good gravy! We'll take anything they can give us! One has to start somewhere!) Plus, unlike Lamont, they are bound to have a whole bunch of cool, colorful brochures on neat things to see and do, thus making the Simpson vacation that much more outstanding and memorable) (Darn their eyes for that one, TOO!!!)


Keleigh said...

I love Lamont. It makes Long Beach look even better than it is (as if that were possible).

Thanks for the cheeky fun! I've republished you on the Peninsula's blog over at

Steven said...

I look foward to meeting Ms. Simpson. I am sure she will be welcomed with open arms, to our great city!
Steven Linhart
Long Beach City Council