Mar 3, 2010

Lamont Schedules 33rd Annual 'Bring Your Cow To Work' Day

In a special treat for the citizenry and kids alike, (to say nothing of our much loved and pampered bovines!), the Town of Lamont, a municipality forever on the cutting edge of exploring the deep richness that is the human/cow relationship, is encouraging its always reluctant and largely rebellious citizenry to mark March 23rd as the day to load up their favorite cow (or two!) in the hauler (after hosing it out, of course!) and bringing them to the workplace so they can share in that strange and sadly diminishing human phenomenon called 'work'. Cows, who never really got the hang of that whole 'employment thing', have for 1000's of years been seemingly content with just standing around, eating continuously and making unsettling messes all over the place (Oh, we won't even mention the noises!) and thus can potentially benefit from this exposure to the 'human' way of doing things, it is believed.

"Well, I am not sure who first came up with this boondoggle of an idea or why the Council continues to foist this madness on us year after year, but doggone it, it took us until almost August of last year to finally get the Town Hall to stop smelling like a dadburn barn, for Pete's sake!" said the obviously peeved Mayor while that one eyebrow of his twitches like it always does when he is really mad or he smells something really unpleasant (in this case, we are not sure which one it is!). "Sure, we get all this 'touchy-feely' 21st Century garbage crammed down our throat, but the council never sees fit to allocate a few measly dollars for a carpet cleaning service, now do they? You have to remember, we don't have a doggone bathroom in the Town office - not that those no-good cows would bother to use it, anyway! They are just animals, I say - just a bunch of uncouth 'beasts of the field' and they don't belong in the dadburn workplace! Sure, everyone pledges that their cows are 'potty-trained' and all, but that is just a bunch of bull, if my experience is any guide!" he bellowed insanely, one whole side of his face now twitching like a paper sack full of puppies! (What a killjoy! Some people will try to ruin anything!)

Although this wonderful and quaint tradition has brought joy and happiness to generations of Lamontazoids, this program is not without its detractors, however. Given that Lamont is decidedly rural in nature and the surrounding area is made up largely of cattle ranches, many of the area families don't have any place to take their cows, since the cows already live where the rancher's work, and vice versa - thus causing feelings of intense isolation and social exclusion for a sizable segment of the citizenry (what about the dern cows themselves! How do you think they feel?) who already feel like they are 'well outside the mainstream' due to the fact that people tend to shun them (some even flee in horror!) because they always smell like - well - you know - COWS! The Lamont Council has been struggling to overcome this obvious conceptual incongruity and is toying with the idea of having a 'Bring your cow to work day - unless you are a rancher and the cows are already there - so bring your mother-in-law' instead Day'. Needless to say, they will undoubtedly turn this poorly articulated idea over to the Mayor to smarten up and to communicate, probably without any additional funds, either!

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