Mar 21, 2010

Palouse Sheep Farmers Breathe A Collective Sigh Of Relief As "Wolves In Cow's Clothing" Becomes All The Rage

In a troubling development that is sure to wipe the smug, self-satisfied looks of well-seasoned (although outrageously misplaced!) superiority off of their decidedly blank, annoyingly clueless faces; area cattle ranchers were given a staggering body blow to their seemingly unassailable position at the top of the so-called 'rancher food chain' when it was reported that a vast majority of the new wolves brought back into the State from Idaho have chosen to dress themselves up as cows as opposed to their more time tested and socially acceptable sheep counterparts. "Well, wolves are of course very adaptable and have a higher level of cognitive processing than previously assumed, so after being driven almost to the point of extinction, they really had no choice but to adapt to their radically altered environment" said Dr. Walter Pinkerton, an area animal psychologist. "So, if the new wolves were to simply return to their old, tired methods from ages past, they would have to expect the same sad outcome - thus a change in strategy was indeed in order" he droned on endlessly in a fine-tuned monotone. "I mean, sheep farmers have been on the lookout for impostors since at least the time of the writing of the New Testament, but cattle ranchers have been lulled into a totally false sense of security and are thus tragically exposed to this latest predator ploy" he concluded, gazing over his bifocals while clutching his still unlit pipe in the safe confines of his ivory tower office where nothing of value ever actually gets done.

"Oh, that's just great!" bellowed Festus Festoon, 56, a smug area cattle rancher. "Oh, I just knew that things were going along too well for their own good, doggone it! Half the fun of being a cattle rancher is making fun of those doggone second-class sheep farmers, for Pete's sake! I mean, what is the use of spending all day outside in terrible weather while being covered from head to toe in foul smelling substances (Although they don't seem to mind at all! Just the opposite, in fact!) if you don't have anyone to tease and belittle and feel superior to?" he pouted while thrusting his malodorous arms up towards the heavens in some vain protest gesture. "If you think about it, the whole doggone English language is chocked full of expressions directed at belittling those stupid sheep - like 'meek as a lamb', 'sheep-like' or whatever, where cattle have cool expressions like 'bull headed' and 'strong as a bull'. And think about it, sheep are known to run in blind terror at the slightest little noise while cattle, when spooked, have frightening 'stampedes' that strike fear into the heart of even the bravest man! And all of these linguistic differences in favor of cows can be traced back to that wonderful biblical expression "wolves in sheep's clothing" he snickered with a rare sparkle in his normally cold, fish-like eye. "If we lose that linguistic advantage, we will lose everything and then we will have one less social group to look down upon and cast into the social wilderness as we see fit. That just ain't right! What is life for if we cannot look down our noses at all the cattle-less unwashed masses around us?" he fumed with only a tinge of madness in his eerily active face. (Oh, and why won't that eye of his quit twitching, for Pete's sake? That's just spooky!)

Interestingly enough, the wolves themselves are really, in fact, in an age-old battle against the ranchers themselves and their food source is largely incidental in the larger context of this primal struggle for the 'top dog' position on the food chain. This situation is not helped by the fact that area sheep farmers are a full 46% smarter than their coddled, pampered, predator-sheltered, some might even dare to say 'trauma averse' (that is code for being a sissy!!) cattle rancher counterparts! (Editorial Note: This staggering IQ differential is a natural byproduct of contending with those doggone wolves for 1000's of years! - Oh, and all that increased blood flow to the brain due to fewer clogged arteries from not eating all that doggone beef 3 meals a day - and, I mean, who can even think of eating mutton! Yikes! The 'other white meat' it ain't, that's for sure!) Given this, the wolves' chances for long-term success are greatly enhanced by focusing on the hapless, fumbling, embarrassingly soft and shamefully inept cattle ranchers as opposed to the sharper, physically fit, more astute, technologically savvy (not to mention humble!) sheep farmers. So, once again, the wolves are providing the same service they have always provided to this planet - culling 'the herd' of the weak, the less clever (Oh, just say it - DUMBER! Why beat around the dadburn bush?) and the markedly genetically unfit - thus making the herd as a whole stronger in the long run. But, in this case, the herd being culled is now made up of the doggone ranchers themselves - thus providing no shortage of irony and long-overdue social justice in this otherwise profound and tragically competitive little part of the Palouse. (And who can blame the wolves for not wanting to eat mutton? I mean, come on!)

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