Mar 7, 2010

Mayor Flummoxed After Disturbing Percentage Of Town Thinks Newsletter Is Written Specifically About Them

In one of those mind numbing scenarios of statistically improbable absurdity that can only happen in the Palouse, a shocking number of citizens in Lamont, a bustling metropolis of 100 souls, is absolutely convinced that a large portion of the articles in the 4 page Town newsletter were written specifically to expose some sort of hidden mischief and/or corner cutting that they have been hiding from the prying eyes of the Town or were put there to somehow make them seem less stellar and erudite in the eyes of their envious and highly competitive neighbors. The humble Town newsletter, produced every so often to inform the citizenry of what the heck is going on, contains stories about future plans, ordinance issues, upcoming events and other small town trivia that once made this country great and served as a rallying point for the 'body politic' in a simpler, bygone era.. Sadly, in the 2nd smallest Town in the State, this mundane and hastily crafted document has proven itself to be an endless source of controversy and angst that has almost led to blows on more than one occasion.

"Good gravy, man! Its just a doggone small town newsletter!" bellowed the Mayor with that all-too familiar look on his face like that of a dog who sees his own reflection in the mirror for the first time and wonders what the heck is going on. "I mean, we have to expend the postage for the water bills anyway, so we like to piggy-back the newsletter in the same envelope for maximum communication potential" said the outrageous cheapskate! "Normally, I just sit down a few hours before human saliva hits the water bill envelopes themselves, so needless to say it is not the most thought out document ever written, but it certainly is not some masterpiece of intrigue and social satire either, for goodness sake! How can so many people think so many articles were written specifically about them - and that they were only put there in the first place to personally single them out in the eyes of their equally implicated neighbors! I mean, what are the chances of that? Can our town really be that edgy and self-focused? But on a positive note, I do receive a lot of startling confessions - thus helping us to solve any number of lingering Town mysteries that we might not have ever figured out! I have to wonder, however, if one of those no-good rival towns in Adams or Lincoln county somehow has a hand in this nefarious intrigue, serving as agent provocateurs or nare-do-well rabble-rousers or whatever in a vain attempt to hamstring Lamont's meteoric rise to prominence in small town circles the world over!!" he pondered with more than his fair share of outrageous home-grown paranoia and delusions of grandeur. "Why can't our adoring citizenry just read those simple articles for what they are - minor interest items - instead of assuming that they are part of some grand conspiracy designed to undermine the very foundation of Western Civilization itself! Oh, what in the heck is really going on here? Why can't I seem to grasp the real issue in regard to this doggone newsletter opposition?" he whined! "Is it the fact that there is news in Town now, as opposed to the inertia-hampered but obviously comfortable decades past - or is it the fact that it comes in the water bill (which should be a good association since we have just about the best water in the State and our rates are so reasonable!) or does everyone just have too much time on their hands and this leads them to think that everyone else, namely me, is thinking and writing specifically about them? (That is certainly not the case!) Doggone it, man! What the heck is the problem here! Its just a small town newsletter, for Pete's sake - not the dadburn Communist Manifesto!" he said patriotically while gazing lovingly at the good old 'Stars and Stripes' that is waiting to be hung back up on Lamont's new, huge flagpole once the weather gets a little warmer!

1 comment:

Sheri S. said...

This blog recently posted my picture and an article full of lies, lies, lies! So when I read the recent article where the town thinks articles are written about them I had to reply. Obviously most of the articles are written about dogs! In that article alone the mayor used the phrase "doggone" and we all know that is a none-too-subtle slam at the elite race of dogs. If I wasn't hiding (ahem--living) in Arizona I'd come by and bite his leg!!! I mean, the mayor probably owns a couple of cats (by the way, are they well-fed; you know--lots of fat and tasty?).
Signed, Sammy, the Airedale (alias the dastardly desert dog)