Mar 8, 2010

Town Experiencing Disturbing, Unprovoked "Hugging Spree" - Mayor Pressures Council For Emergency "Cease And Desist" Order

In yet another troubling indication that the 2nd smallest Town in the State has lost its collective mind, the entire metropolitan area of Lamont has been infected with a frightening scourge of spontaneous physical displays of affection that has sociologists and dudes in general scrambling for answers, insiders report. This shocking trend not only includes the polite yet brief 'double back pat' hug, but has also morphed into creepy 'arm around the shoulder' encroachments, a marked increase in generic 'back patting' and a disturbing 270% increase in full fledged 'bear hugs' that last more than 2 1/2 seconds! (Oh, that is just so wrong!) "Whoa, ease back there, buddy - that is close enough right there!" said the naturally cautious Mayor as the UPS guy came to drop off a package that required a signature! "I am not sure what the heck has gotten into these people, but given that my ancestors came from northern Europe where more than a casual wave was considered socially promiscuous except under the confines of marriage, this whole hugging thing is more than a little unsettling!" he said with that all too familiar look he has when someone tries to hand him a screaming baby with an obviously full to overflowing diaper. (Oh, if that were only a rare occurrence!)

"I mean, I know that living in Lamont is really the answer to the American dream and all, and I am glad people are generally happy and upbeat about their lives and want to share that happiness - but whatever happened to folks just picking up the phone or sending a card or something?" he pondered disgustedly. "Just the other day, I was walking to the office to check on our mosquito treatment program with that amazing Kynda Browning of Tekoa fame - and right there at the corner of Spokane and 7th streets there was some kind of 'group hug' or whatever the heck that was! I mean, right there in broad daylight! I thought for a minute there I was going to have to turn on the fire hose or something! That pretty much just gave me the creeps...! I mean, what is wrong with saying "nice to see you" or 'good job' or whatever - what is with this whole hugging thing between innocent neighbors? Its like the whole town has gone mad, for Pete's sake!" he said while glancing over his shoulder to make sure no one was making an opened-armed mad dash at him from behind while he wasn't looking. "Sure, Lamont is a friendly town and all, but too much of any one thing is bound to cause some problems at some point. And when did the good old "high five' ever go out of style, anyway...? Now that is an appropriate form of physical affection amongst neighbors - at least sometimes, that is!" he said cautiously.


Sonia said...

Gasp!!! The horror. What is going on in that Town? I thought Lamont was a Town of distinction and refinement. What do I find out? People are running around and HUGGING each other. Personal space bubbles are popping everywhere. The plus side is the medical community is probably loving all the cracked ribs that are rolling in from those bear hugs. Their revenue has increased by leaps and bounds. I use to think it was safe to walk the streets at night; obviously this is not the case anymore. I would like to know what you are going to do about this epedimic Mayor? How are you going to save us all from this catastrophe?

Sheri S. said...

I just hope everyone noticed the Airedale in the bottom picture hugging a CAT!!! That is my third cousin, twice removed on my mother's side. I simply cannot believe that Chester let someone photograph him in such a compromising situation. How will our family ever live this down?
signed, Sammy the Airedale Terror