Lamont Wins First Place In Something - Finally!

The Town of Lamont, usually at the tail end of every conceivable pack and list and competition that anyone can possibly imagine, stunned the Palouse with a shocking 'first place' finish in at least one thing, insiders report. "Well, needless to say we are pleased at our first place finish in something" said the jubilant Mayor. "I am not sure who keeps track of these sort of statistics or what exactly we won, but I am not about to look a 'gift horse in the mouth', as they say. We'll take it, whatever it is!!!" he said proudly. "They said something about average annual blood loss due to mosquito bites and the decreased likelihood of being feasted upon by the blood sucking undead or whatever - but as long as we are first that is all that matters! Ahhhh!!! Victory is sweet! Sweet indeed!!! In your face, Sprague!!!" he said ungraciously while unfortunately attempting the popular dance move "The Rump Shaker".

"Well, after surveying the whole state, it was determined that there was an inverse relationship between the indigenous mosquito populations in various towns and the nocturnal feasting patterns of the walking undead - and in no place was this more pronounced than in Lamont" said Martin Finklestein, an area paranormal researcher. "Given my line of research into the bizarre and unexplainable, we have had our eye on Lamont for many years, so when these numbers came back and the obvious pattern became apparent, we had to investigate further. At first we thought the blood sucking fiends might be hesitant to attack people in Lamont because of a preponderance of crucifixes or bottles of holy water carried as lucky charms or something, but given that a vast majority of the citizenry has not seen the inside of a church since they tried to stop their favorite cousin from marrying that guy from Idaho, that was easily ruled out. And although there is an almost unbelievable amount of bad breath that hangs over the town like a funeral shroud, very little of it comes from the consumption of garlic - since that falls into what might be considered the "vegetable category' so it is religiously avoided by the average citizen. Finally, after taking numerous samples, we determined that the incredibly low red blood cell counts that the average citizen has - due to the yearly mosquito infestation - has caused the vampires and blood sucking ghouls to just not deem it worthy to feed there - kind of like an oil company not wanting to put down a new well into an already tapped out field. It all comes back to some sort of disgusting, evil "return on investment' calculation, it would seem" said Finklestein. "There is just not enough blood left in the Town after the mosquitoes get done to make it worth their while, I guess" he said.

"We're #1.... We're #1. Whooo hooo. We WON!!! We actually WON something!!! If we keep this up we can be as cool and well managed as Tekoa!!! " beamed the ecstatic Mayor before collapsing exhaustedly onto the park bench due to poorly oxygenated blood after wearing short pants outside for just 15 minutes twice this week. (Note: The fine folks at Tekoa just started helping Lamont solve a real and very serious mosquito problem - so when you see Kynda Browning or Mayor Jaeger or any of that well-oiled, efficient, professional team, give them a hug! May God bless Tekoa, WA - and may all mosquitoes die!!!!!)

Town Of Lamont Stuns Entire Palouse By Embracing The Internal Combustion Engine (after 100 years)

In a bold move sure to rock the "Flat Earthers" back on their heels once and for all, the lowly Town of Lamont (that has been a town for 100 years, for Pete's sake!) purchased their first 'non-living' vehicle, late Thursday. The vehicle, part general purpose truck and part snowplow, does not eat hay and leave 'road apples' strewn all over the place (especially right in front of the Mayor's mailbox - which given its frequency and concentration could not have been mere random chance - thus increasing the Mayor's extensive and largely justified paranoia as it relates to the cantankerous and vengeful town mule) and will serve a variety of roles within the town, not the least of which is proving once and for all that Lamont may be slow in embracing new technology - but we are not officially dead-end laggards as many in the local region suspect.

"Good gravy, man!!!!" bellowed the Mayor. "This is the dadburn Lamont equivalent of the good old USA landing on the moon one step ahead of the no-good Ruskies back when I was a kid!!!!" he said melodramatically with a patriotic flair. "Sure, it takes a lot of backward thinking and sheer ignorant stubbornness to become and remain the second smallest town in a thriving state, and you don't get that way by running off all 'willy-nilly' and embracing every new fad and 'Johnny-Come-Lately' scheme to make our lives easier. We are not risk-takers like that, and thank goodness we aren't!" he babbled passionately. "We are fairly sure that this whole 'motor vehicle thing' is pretty much a proven concept at this point - but time will tell" he said suspiciously.

"Now, listen, just because we purchased a truck doesn't mean we are going to get all '20th Century' in every aspect of our lives, so we have decided to park the truck in the old mule stall as opposed to some 'new-fangled' garage or something (ironically, this stall belonged to Nellie's mother, Mabel, who served Lamont when men were men and mules were mules - before being put out to pasture in the late 1980's)- and rather than buy a lawn mower for the town we are just going to encourage Nellie (the living one) to get off her lazy duff and keep the park looking spiffy and well trimmed (thus reducing Lamont's hay overhead costs at the same time)" he said, demonstrating his keen management insights into employee motivation strategies and cost/benefit analysis. "Oh, this is exciting" he stammered foolishly while rummaging in every drawer looking for the keys to the new truck. "Darn technology!!! Nellie (the living one) never had to have a key! Maybe this technology thing is not so great after all. Oh, what have we done???"

Two-Thirds Of Town Temporarily Blinded As Mayor Wears Short Pants To Park For First Time This Year

In a tragic move that has left a vast majority of the town momentarily sightless and fumbling for the basic necessities of life, a local Mayor selfishly (although innocently) sauntered over to the park to enjoy the warmth of Spring, late Sunday. "Well, I was taking out the trash to get the wife off my back when I casually glanced towards our beautiful park (with over 15 new trees!!!) and it was like the burning flash of 1000 suns reached out to destroy me and rendered my eyes completely useless, for Pete's sake!. My optic nerve was completely overwhelmed as a functioning sensory unit by the outrageous "whiteness" of it all! Oh, it was horrid! Snow blindness in a frozen arctic hell is like a walk in the park compared to this example of man's inhumanity to his fellow man!! If we would have just had those legs at Gitmo we would have flushed out Osama Bin Laden years ago!!! Heck, I felt like confessing and I am not even a terrorist!" said the local citizen who only takes out the trash after excessive amounts of nagging. "At first I thought those darn 'Ruskies" dropped the 'big one' on us, but when I did not feel a massive shock wave and my hair did not begin to fall out (Legal Note: although tragically suffering from extensive pattern baldness that borders on the need for a 'comb-over', his condition cannot be directly attributed to the unfortunate incident in the park so thus the Town is not liable for any damages - although psychological suffering is certainly warrented) , I knew the answer had to be more basic, regardless of its sinister nature" he said.

"Well, let me tell you. I was taking my wiener dog for a walk and just happened to turn the corner at the exact moment that the Mayor passed the swing set as he made his way to the picnic tables" said a now sightless housewife/busybody/town snoop. "Luckily, I was staring at the ground, mumbling about my no-good neighbors so I did not get the full blast of that 'other worldly' glow. The first sign of trouble I had was when my dog 'Princess' began to whimper and tug at the leash. Of course I just figured she wanted to chase a bird or something, but when I looked down she was laying on her belly, paws over her eyes, making the most horrible racket you ever heard!" she said. "That is when I glanced up and received the full effect of those unbelievably white legs and my knees buckled as my eyes just ceased to function. The bad part is, the last image I saw is still burned into my mind, so I am forced to replay that horrible moment over and over - at least until my sight returns after its more-than-understandable little rebellion" she said.

New 'Cowpoke' Corralled, Dipped, Tagged And Trucked To Meat Packing Plant In Zany, Side-Splitting Herd Initiation Ritual

Dateline: Lamont - In a ritual that stretches back to when the Palouse was first settled by Jebediah Lamontowitz and his herd of free-spirited, 'devil-may-care' cows 150 years ago, the newest ranch hand at the Bodine Ranch was subjected to the time tested and historically significant bonding (some would say hazing) ritual that has served as the glue that holds the local rancher community together during times of thick and thin. The new cow hand, Wilber "Stinky" Snopes, a recent graduate of the local high school (at the age of 20), was lured, as tradition dictates, into a false sense of security before undergoing the exact treatment he will inflict on 1000's of cows in his long and illustrious career as a vanguard of the beef industry in Lamont.

"Whoa! That was NOT funny at all! That was just wrong on almost every conceivable level, for Pete's sake!" said 'Stinky' Snopes. "The last thing I remember was a bunch of the guys milling around, saying something about there being a birthday cake out by the cattle shoot, so having a hankering for something sweet, I made my way out there by the most direct route possible. Then, the next thing I know I was wrestled to the ground, hog-tied like some common beast of burden, I felt a sharp pain in my ear, and a sack was thrown over my head before I was unceremoniously dipped into a vat of stinking liquid and then was heaved into a cattle truck that almost immediately began the long trip to Oregon" said 'Stinky' breathlessly with a slight facial tick. "Somehow during this unfortunate altercation, right after I got that bright yellow ear tag, I think, the bag got pulled up a little so I could see that they were dragging me towards the corral where all the young bulls cease to be bulls, but I made such a fuss and blubbered like a school girl to such an extent I think they took pity on me and just threw me in the truck so I would shut up!' he said (in fact, 'Stinky' continued to make high pitched whining noises and muffled sobs until well past the Oregon border!)

"Well, that was just about the best dadburn initiation we have had in years. All of us cow pokes were a little hesitant about working with the new kid, given his well deserved nickname and all, so we were all excited about making sure this thing went off without a hitch" said Clem Parker, 26, a fellow ranch hand. "I remember when they done that to me right after I got kicked out of the 8th grade and Pa had me go to work for the first time. Sure, I was a little scared, but at least I didn't squeal like a 'nancy-boy' and make a fuss that they could hear all the way down in Colfax" he said proudly. "The best way to have empathy for the cows is to go thru the process yourself, that is what leadership is all about - leading by example - plus, the cows seem to get a kick out of seeing one of us go thru the wringer. That ritual does a whole lot of good for the herd at large, and is not just an antiquated way to put the young whippersnappers in their place" he said sagely.

Local Woman Blames Popular Breakfast Cereal For Recent Psychotic Episode

After meeting at least 7 of the 9 criteria laid down by the American Psychological Association (APA) for a psychological meltdown requiring incarceration, a local resident, Mary Jo Bodine, brushed off the recent diagnosis of impending mental collapse and instead blamed a popular national breakfast cereal for her woes, late Tuesday. "Well, I have been a psychologist for 27 years and can spot madness from a mile away" said Dr. Justin Davies, an area psychologist. "Although many factors, such as genetic disposition, sudden life changes, substance abuse, etc, can contribute to such an acute breakdown, it stretches credulity to blame this blatant instability on a crunchy, delicious, totally satisfying breakfast treat that makes its own chocolate milk, for Pete's sake! That's just wrong! I eat the stuff 8-10 times a week for breakfast, lunch and dinner (to say nothing of the occasional 'midnight snack') and I am as fit as a fiddle - mentally at least" said the balding, near-sighted, mental health professional who could stand to lose a few pounds (about 40). "Now that I think of it, blaming inanimate objects for one's psychological woes is another sign of mental instability - so that bumps her APA score up to 8 out of 9. That places her firmly in the "totally nuts" category!" said Dr. Davies.

"Sure, I come from a long line of people who have required some level of psychological intervention - who would blame us being cooped up out here on the ranch listening to that constant mooing and having to deal with all of those smells day-in and day-out" said Mrs. Bodine. "But given this extensive, up close and personal exposure to mental illness over the years, I think I am qualified to tell the difference between rank madness and a lusty hankering for some delicious, chocolaty breakfast cereal! It's the Cocoa Puffs, I tell you. Like the ad says, I'm Coo-Coo for Cocoa Puffs!!! I'm Coo-Coo for Cocoa Puffs!!! It's not ME!!! It's the Cocoa Puffs!!!, she shouted while running down the street in a ball gown wearing a football helmet (the helmet didn't even match the gown - who but a crazy person would wear an orange helmet with maroon evening attire?) and occasionally peeking into mailboxes and shouting "I see you in there - You cannot hide from me - Come out and take your medicine - It tastes like chocolate but its medicine"!!! HA HA HA HA HA HA HA" she ranted insanely.

Local Rancher Recovering After Tragic Electrolysis "Treatment" Goes Terribly, Terribly Wrong

A local rancher, Jed Jarmish, now completely hairless from the neck up, is resting quietly at home after experiencing what was, by all accounts, a hair-raising brush with disaster, late Monday. Although reports are still sketchy, early indications seem to point to an overly eager and obviously zealous 'hair removal' technician who, at some point in her formative years and/or troubled childhood, had some disturbing 'life trauma' that somehow had to do with excessive facial hair, the lingering odor of cow manure and/or a slightly pronounced "Neanderthal-like" eyebrow ridge structure - also known as the 'mono-brow'", said an unnamed official. "Something sure triggered that poor girl into action, but on some level we will never know why she responded like she did - and with such obvious gusto! Its all so inexplicable! This might just be a case of youthful exuberance, but even that seems a little understated given the end result of her work here!", he said.

"Well, the wife has been nagging me about the one trait that all of the Jarmish clan so proudly display - (sadly, this recessive gene seems to be doubly pronounced in the family women) - the unique and largely unsettling "mono-brow" that, according to her, should have gone out of fashion right after the last ice age" said rancher Jarmish. "So, I drove all the way to Spokane , checked in at my favorite "Hair-Be-Gone" Salon since they have that weekly special "Missing Link Mondays" - like a 'Happy Hour' for the fantastically (some would say tragically) hairy, and quietly waited for my turn. I must have gotten sleepy, because I dozed off the minute my treatment began - and when I woke up several hours later (feeling an unnatural breeze in unfamiliar places) and made my way out to the truck, I could not help but notice how the crowds of shrieking onlookers parted for me like the Red Sea - but I really had no idea what all the fuss was about - at least not then!" said the aerodynamic yet oddly fashionable rancher.

"In many ways I like this better - especially after I figured out that I could rub charcoal where my eyebrows used to be and I almost look normal. I kind of miss my real eyebrows and eyelashes, though - and now that my once proud 'mono-brow' is gone the rain tends to slide right off of my sloped forehead and into my eyes, but it will really save money on shampoo, I guess" said the unbelievable cheapskate. "The only real downside is the fact that those doggone chickens keep swooping down on me wanting to roost on my head like it is some sacred, mythical egg from some poultry version of the Holy Grail or whatever, and my doggone dogs keep attacking me like I am some kind of bill collector or something. Oh, at least the cows still recognize me", said Jarmish. "Hey, I wonder if you can still get dandruff if you don't have any hair?" he pondered philosophically while dusting off his shoulders out of force of habit, like a smoker bringing his fingers to his lips after years of not lighting up.

Local Woman Begins "Speaking In Tongues" At Recent Get-Together

A local citizen, long renowned for her excellent diction and firm, solid grasp of the English language, suddenly burst into a tongue foreign to her the minute the mayor, originally from the great state of Mississippi, sauntered into the room for the weekly Sabbath celebration. "Well, we like to meet for our worship services on Saturday morning, the day laid down in the bible as the Sabbath, (the biblical 7th day 'of rest' begins at sundown on Friday and ends at sundown on Saturday - and is not on Sunday - contrary to centuries of tradition) so when I showed up at the appointed time, dressed in my usual attire - flannel shirt, clean overalls, straw hat, scuffed leather boots, (coon dog in tow, of course) - you know - the classic trademarks of a true Southern gentleman of taste and sophistication, - when all of a sudden she just let forth this eerie stream of words and intonations that were enough to raise the hackles on the back of my neck. It was just 'other-worldly'" said the mayor.

"I was always under the impression that when people 'spoke in tongues' that they used some august, impressive, and indeed ancient language like Latin, Greek, Hebrew or one of the other foundational pillars of our linguistic landscape. So one can only guess at my surprise when my fellow Sabbath celebrant spewed forth a well-refined string of Southern redneck jargon that would have even made my old grand pappy proud, bless his long-stilled heart. It was like some 'mysterious' mixture of "Mini Pearl" and "Jeff Foxworthy" all rolled into one. It has been a while since I lived in the South, so I did not catch all of it, but I was able to pick up enough verbal clues such as "Hankering", 'I Recon", "Ya'll" and "Fixing to" (not to mention making a hash out of that whole 'lunch/dinner/supper' thing) to realize that this was, in fact, no act being put on for my amusement or mortification" said the mortified, less-than-amused mayor with an all-too-common look of bewilderment! (there is still some dispute over whether there was, in fact, subtle hints of banjo music wafting in the background and/or the satisfying smell of "sweet tater pie" floating tantalizingly from the kitchen since witnesses differ hotly on these points)

"Well, I just don't know what came over me" said the multi-lingual maven of mischief. "One moment I was fine, just chatting away like any normal person, and after laying eyes on the mayor and his folksy 'get-up', the next thing I knew I was just transported back in time and place (after shedding numerous IQ points, by the way) to the linguistic Antebellum South where all syllables are drawn out until your head wants to explode and where it takes 15 minutes to ask for a glass of water. Oh, it was horrible!" she cried. "I really have no idea what I uttered, but I could tell by the look on the mayor's face that this gibberish was having some profound effect on him. He just sat there, mouth open, trembling like some puppy that just got pulled from an icy river. I felt really bad for him" she said disingenuously.

Local Mayor Gets Roped Into Going To Some "Chick Thing" At Spokane Opera House

In a bold move that is sure to strain the very fibers of his otherwise robust and secure gender identity, a local mayor buckled under outrageous pressure and agreed to attend (under duress, it should be noted) the annual Bi-County Music Festival in support of the local Middle and High School kids from Lamont, although his 'male radar' gave him ample warning that there was a high probability that this was, in fact, 'a major chick thing' and he was liable to be miserable and feel out of place amongst all the 'fancy people' with all their color coordinated clothes and normal looking haircuts. "Well, one of my good friends, Ruth Simpson, has a daughter that sings like an angel - or so I am told, being tone deaf and all, and she was in the High School Honor Choir - so the nonstop nagging, griping, bribing and cajoling for me to go to the thing began early" said the still stunned and confused mayor. "So, after trotting out my usual list of excuses like having surgery that day, being drafted by the Army and having to report to boot-camp and/or expecting a call from the Governor on important Homeland Security issues affecting the safety of our great nation, and having each of these shot down like the 'bogus bags of hot air' that they were, I was left with the cold, hard realization that I might not be able to get out of this one after all. It was really quite disconcerting" he whined!

"First off, when we got there I realized, much to my consternation, that it is not even called the "Spokane Opera House' anymore, it is some "INB Performing Art Center" or some such thing. Sudden changes like that can really throw me into a downward cycle. Then, as I shuffled across the impressive lobby towards the seating, taking in the panoramic views of the river, all I could think while looking at that beautiful water and lush, green grass was that there was not a single cow in sight! I mean 'what the heck'? All that water and grass and not a single cow! No wonder this country is going to hell in a hand basket! What waste! What decadence! And then I made the mistake of looking up and seeing the listing for the coming attractions and, much to my horror, noted that some darn thing called the 'Cirque de la Symphonie' was coming in April. The dang thing doesn't even have an English name - so who knows what sort of "Commie loving" organization is putting that thing on. Oh, and something quite appropriately called 'Mancini Madness' is coming up soon, too! The whole thing just gave me the shivers!" he shuddered. "And I could just tell by the furnishings and nice carpet that this was one of those places that doesn't even have a 'spit cup" holder built right into the seats. Whoa!!! What a thing to skimp on! I mean spend a few bucks on the things that matter, for Pete's sake!"

Although unconfirmed, early reports indicate that the mayor did indeed have a good time, although when asked he conveniently changes the subject and asks if anyone wants to go throw the football or shoot guns or something. "Well, I looked over at him a couple of times, and he was actually tapping his foot and drumming his fingers (off key, of course), said an observer. "There was one awkward moment when the High School Honor Band was playing a lively tune and the mayor asked a horrified (and unknown) woman sitting next to him if she wanted to dance, but after being curtly rejected and having the irate and fussy usher whisper emphatically in his ear, he finally seemed to calm down and enjoy himself" she said. "I think he actually had fun, and Teresa Simpson had another flawless performance, making Lamont look good for a change" said the woman who, or so it seems, spent way too much time observing the mayor and not enough enjoying the talented youngsters.

Local Bad Speller Spends Nightmarish Week In Hellish Wasteland When All He Wanted Was A Little Ice Cream

A local rancher, Bubba Bodine, learned the importance of paying attention to details late last month when, after repeatedly being asked about his vacation preferences and only grunting unhelpfully in response, his wife finally wrote her preference on a piece of paper and handed it to him at the dinner table. "Oh my goodness. What the heck just happened to me?" said the rancher while stumbling off the bus upon returning from only the 2nd family vacation in 27 years of marriage. "The wife had been droning on at me for months about this vacation she wanted to take and I tried to tell her that this was the height of the "professional wrestling" (pronounced 'rasslin') season and any time was a bad time - so finally I just quit listening as I fantasized about my favorite wrestler (pronounced 'rassler') "The Rebel Rodeo Clown" making it all the way thru "Smack Down 2009" and winning that fantastically cool belt buckle I would give a kidney to own - when, out of the blue, the wife handed me a piece of paper asking me, or so I believed, if I wanted some dessert - to which I enthusiastically agreed. We were at the dinner table, for Pete's sake!! All I wanted was something sweet and soothing to calm my nerves before the 'rasslin' matches started at 7:00 PM. I tend to get worked up, you know? Plus, I just got my new 'rasslin' outfit back from the cleaners - chaps and all!!" said the inattentive but now much wiser rancher.

"So, before I knew it, the wife had booked tickets on the bus from here to Death Valley (second class, of course, since farmers /ranchers always travel cheap so there is more money to spend at those roadside souvenir shops), and 'rasslin' or no 'rasslin' I was going on this trip after the wife made some passing reference to "Lorena Bobbit" getting a bum deal when sentenced by the judge. Anyway!" he mumbled thru sunburned lips. "My momma always said that things like spelling would come in handy one day on the ranch, but you know how mothers is - always going on about this thing or that thing. How was I to know the generic term for a sweet, creamy after-dinner snack had more than one "S". I feel like I was tricked!!" he whined! "All I remember after stepping on that scorpion that climbed in my boot were those buzzards that just kept circling and circling and circling. That, and the fact that my water-starved tongue swelled up like a toad! It was just horrible. All I could think after regaining consciousness 5-6 hours later was that listening to your wife is important. Painful, but important! Oh, why didn't my momma ever tell me that? Oh momma, you done me wrong!" he sobbed.

"I should have listened to my mother when she warned me not to marry the only son dumb enough to stay on the ranch!" said the wife. "I asked him where he wanted to go until I was blue in the face, and after grunt number 2,192 I figured I better write it down for him. It's not my fault that he cannot spell. I could train our dog to tell the difference between 'desert' and 'dessert'!! Lord knows I tried to teach him over the years!!" she said resignedly. "And oh, you should have seen him blubber when he got that little scorpion sting! You would have thought a Great White shark took his leg off below the knee! It was all so humiliating. At least next year we are going to the Everglades to see all those pretty birds and the alligators. My husband never could resist a quick swim on a hot day in August" she giggled demurely, gazing off into the sunset as if by doing so the times and seasons would hasten their plodding, measured pace.

Town Saved From 'Giant Mutant Rodent' By Equally Frightening (yet lovable) 'Giant Mutant Kitten'

(Caution: Metaphors in use. Parts of this story might never have actually happened)
The Town of Lamont was miraculously saved from obliteration late Tuesday after a giant kitten appeared out of nowhere to thwart a determined and other-worldly assault from an incredibly giant and menacing rodent of unknown origins. "Well, I was walking outside to check my mail when all of a sudden I just blurted out "dang, what stinks?" said a local resident. "So, my first thought was that it was my nosy neighbor sneaking up behind me again to see what kind of mail I had received, so when I turned around and realized that, in fact, a giant rodent hell-bent on madness and mayhem was about to destroy the town, I pretty much lost interest in my "past due" notice from the electric company" he said. "And just about the point where I was driven to the depths of madness by that demonic, ear splitting 'squeaking' and felt certain that those ugly, yellow teeth the size of refrigerators were about to send me to the great beyond, (thankfully, the nightmarish rodent's unwanted attentions were initially drawn to his nosy, malodorous, hysterically shrieking neighbor - thus proving that even unspeakable evil cannot be all bad, after all!) this huge kitten appeared out of no where to dispatch the ghastly rodent before any real harm could be done. Now, don't get me wrong, I have always been a dog person and can't stand any living thing that doesn't kow-tow to my every word, whether they be human or animal, (which might explain why he is on his 4th marriage) but I have to admit that giant feline was indeed a sight for sore eyes!" said the long-time town fixture while beaming now-toothless gums.

"Of course, the gargantuan kitten, quite appropriately, does not possess the 'killer instinct' yet (preferring compromise, consensus and team problem-solving over a bare-knuckles 'smack down') and was thus forced to just 'play' with the foul beast until it finally died of exhaustion somewhere over by the Tri-Cities or Steptoe or wherever, but those natural hunting skills will surely develop over time as he saves other unsuspecting towns from an apocalypse-like demise at the claws of the dastardly rodent of complacency, stubbornness, hide-bound tradition and personal self interest over the collective town good, I'm sure" he said sympathetically. (Quiz: the kitten represents?: A) Century West Engineering; B) The Town Council; C) Both A and B; D) I have no clue what any of this is about, for Pete's sake, but rodents give me the creeps!!!)

Town Loses Grip On Sanity By Actually Planning For Future Events

In a radical break from the past and all known, well-cherished town precedents, the Town of Lamont is conducting a series of planning meetings before an actual disaster, hideous calamity, biblical-like plague or crippling incident renders the Town useless as a functioning entity. Given the heavy snowfall this last year, the Town, under the astute leadership of the eerily forward-looking Town Council, is holding snow removal planning sessions so that we can get the equipment, infrastructure and planning mechanisms in place so that future snowy years are handled in a more streamlined and efficient way - thus saving money in the long run. This snow removal task force, comprised of elected officials and the citizenry at large, meets on a regular basis to flesh out levels of service, hardware requirements and 'special needs" for unique areas of town - thus allowing Lamont to develop a comprehensive plan for future years to come.

"Has the whole town gone mad? I just have no idea what has gotten into those people!!!" said the mayor. "First of all, this goes against every known principle of small town management. Half of the drama of living in a small town comes from neglecting and/or ignoring easily preventable events that somehow inconvenience a large portion of the citizenry! For goodness sake - we are supposed to be 'pole-axed' to our knees when some outrageous natural or man-made phenomenon sweeps thru, leaving chaos and destruction in its wake. I am the mayor of the 2nd smallest town in a relatively small state population-wise! How else am I ever going to be on CNN, for Pete's sake? That is just like the Town Council to try to steal my 15 minutes of fame" he sniveled. "What a bunch of glory hogs! If I had my own parking space (which I don't), I guess they would want to take that away too - for the 'greater good' of the town, whatever that means!" he huffed. "What is next, planning for volcanoes, fires, and floods? This thing could get out of hand pretty quickly! Somehow I know that Century West Engineering is behind this craziness, either directly or indirectly! That is just like them to try to proactively avert unfortunate events that, if allowed to manifest themselves, would give the elected officials a real sense of purpose and value!" (thanks to Jenni from Spokane Valley for bringing this sorry state of affairs to our attention)

Local Kitten Wrestles With Overwhelming Desire To Attack Something

In a classic example of "discretion is the better part of valor", a local kitten, aptly named 'Spartacus" by one of the seven (7) grandchildren, is attempting to restrain the very essence of its nature and accept the bridle of socialization in order to live up to the over-hyped and often-used "good kitty" descriptor by not stalking, pouncing on, thumping, and scaring the 'living daylights" out of the first living thing that comes into view. "Well, I have been watching that thing for about an hour, and just a casual glance was enough to tell me that darn cat is up to no good" said Myrtle Jessup, a local farm wife. "When I walked by a few minutes ago to find the TV remote so I could catch the tail end of "Oprah", the cat tried to look all cute and friendly, but I could tell it was all an act and that if I got too close I was liable to experience a recreation of some prehistoric life-and-death struggle more suited to the primordial jungles of some forgotten age than right in the middle of my living room" she said cautiously, keeping her voice low to avoid any unnecessary provocations. "Even the dog was too scared to come out from behind the couch - and normally they are good friends. Although I have no hard, tangible evidence, I just know in my bones that all hell could break loose if one of us makes any sudden, poorly conceived moves. Its like a powder keg in there! I just can't allow my home to be turned into a mini 'Wild Kingdom"" she whispered emphatically, while frantically shooing the dog towards the dubious safety of the backyard.

Local Rancher Stunned By Realization That His Favorite Relative "Uncle Festus" Looks Startlingly Like 1960's TV Star "Uncle Fester"

In one of those life-changing moments that can cause any sane individual to pray that they were indeed adopted, local rancher Flem Snopes was forced to drag the genetic skeletons out of the closet when faced with a decades old photo of a family member that everyone agrees he most resembles. After fluctuating between denial, anger, hopelessness and uncontrolled sobbing, rancher Snopes eventually threw his entire emotional weight behind the one reasonable alternative that could possibly get himself out of a life of teasing, autograph seekers, Halloween party invitations, children fleeing in blind terror and light bulbs left anonymously in the mailbox - the slim but very real chance that he was, in fact, adopted but everyone just forgot about it in what is commonly known as a rare (but certainly not unprecedented) case of collective amnesia that stretched across the Palouse. How this would somehow alter his natural resemblance to his uncle and thus avert the unfortunate consequences no one is quite sure, but one must play with the cards they are dealt, as they say.

"Well, stranger things have happened" said Snopes. "Remember that time that woman in Lincoln County said she got kidnapped by space aliens when everyone thought she was up gambling at the casino in Airway Heights with that escaped convict? Sure, it seemed hard to believe at the time, given that she was a compulsive gambler and self-destructive risk-taker, but now that I think about it I find her story very believable and feel I might have been a little hasty in my initial assessment of the situation. So, if things like that can happen right in our own backyard, I don't see why everyone in the whole extended family (not to mention the entire tri-county area) could not have forgotten about a common place thing like a simple, routine, run-of-the-mill adoption 56 years ago! Its not that far-fetched!" he said convincingly while feverishly developing a plausible explanation for those annoying pregnancy photos of his dear, sweet mother that are in half the photo albums in Whitman County.

Local Canine 'Heroes' Save Town From Mysterious "Green Thing"

In a testament of loyalty and faithfulness that stretches back to the murky depths of time itself, 'Man's Best Friend' has proven its mettle once again by protecting the defenseless, complacent, slumbering town from an undefined horror too terrible to consider. The juvenile canines, patrolling the town on their own initiative in an effort to provide added value for the outrageous amounts of "Puppy Chow" they consume 5-6 times a day, uncovered the ghastly menace while prowling the backyard and sniffing around where the cats normally like to 'take care of business'. "Well, no one is sure how something so horrific could make it to the heart of town in the first place" said a public safety official. "Whatever that thing is/was obviously relies on stealth and cunning in order to sow terror into the lives of innocent citizens" he said. "So, when these fearless heroes stumbled upon this crafty yet secretive troublemaker, their course of action was clear. Without a moments hesitation, all three of them descended on the unsuspecting interloper, thus unraveling its carefully planned schemes for mayhem and destruction. I think the whole Town owes these brave warriors a word of thanks - and any sort of table scraps that are available - like that strip of fat from a steak that everyone used to eat but now is carefully cut off in order to be all 'politically correct' and 'healthy'. These "town hounds' stepped up when other lesser, more 'lilly livered' creatures faltered and failed - so shamelessly rewarding them (as long as it is not with vegetables!), just seems fitting to me" he said.

All attempts to identify the terrible beast were thwarted because even the 'bravest of the brave' men in town would not go near the now lifeless creature to attempt a 'post-mortem', due to a crippling fear of the unknown - not to mention the almost unbelievable amounts of slobber and drool that cover the now-stilled fiend. "I ain't touching that thing! No way! That's just disgusting! said a rescue worker as he wearily left the scene to walk the two blocks to his house to grab his shovel so he could place the thing in the trash can once and for all. (special thanks goes to Sheri for bringing this situation to our attention)

Century West Engineering Continues To Revitalize Town In Spite Of Town's Own Best Efforts

In a bizarre set of circumstances that defy logic, common sense, Murphy's Law and almost every known cliché and mixed metaphor related to unusual events, Century West Engineering keeps making Lamont look good regardless of how much blatant incompetence, crushing ignorance, bumbling good intentions and 'good old boy' tomfoolery Lamont and the surrounding area throw in their path. "Well, being an elected official, I can safely say that no one is more surprised than me" said the mayor. "I mean we mean well and all, but being a small town in a largely rural district, it is not like we have to interface with the 21st century on a daily basis. Heck, we are lucky to rub shoulders with modernity two or three times a year, and that's if we're feeling spunky and over-reach our natural capacity by a factor of two or three, for Pete's sake!!!" he said. "So, needless to say, when it comes to things like infrastructure improvement and revitalizing core functions that make towns actually work, our supply of outrageous roadblocks, laughable 'work-arounds', hair-brained schemes, poor communications and a complete and total absence of team orientation and common sense is almost limitless. And this not only applies to the Town, but reaches out into organizations in the surrounding countryside, too! But in spite of that, Century West Engineering, represented by the likes of Dennis Fuller (the engineering 'Renaissance Man' of the operation) and Bryan Hicks (Brian, surely destined for greatness should he ever shake off his current string of unbelievable bad luck, sadly drew the short straw when names were being selected for this plum assignment and is now the superb engineering consultant/interface for Lamont - although after this he will be more than qualified to negotiate an end to the Arab-Israeli conflict or solve world hunger or something), somehow continue to pull Lamont's chestnuts out of the fire over and over. It's just kind of unreal, if you ask me" mused the mayor superstitiously while making hand gestures as if to ward off the 'evil eye'.

"I wish I had a dollar for every time I could honestly say 'okay, let's see Century West pull us out of THIS one!!' only to have to bonk myself on the forehead like that guy in the V-8 juice commercial when Century West somehow comes up with a solution to some vexing problem that faces a vast majority of small towns the world over" he stammered. "And all of these problems are not even of a technical nature, either. To do what they do and produce the sort of track record they have, they have to be one part NASA and one part boxing referee, with a healthy dose of Dr. Phil thrown in. I mean we are very lucky to have them and all, but I am beginning to doubt our natural ability to 'goof' things up at this point. That was always a source of pride, not only for the Town, but for the whole darn region! I'm just afraid that we're beginning to slip in our old age. That is kind of sad if you think about it. We have a lot of man-hours vested in that whole personae" he said despairingly.

Local "Fuddy-Duddy" Just Doesn't Think We Should Do That!

A local citizen, Mabel Bodine, 72, fabled matriarch of the Bodine farmer/rancher clan, long-renowned for her conservative nature and resistance to improvement and change of any kind, decided to throw her considerable weight behind the tried-and-true "do nothing" segment of the Lamont citizenry, late Tuesday. Although often hovering between complete and total lethargy and general unenthusiastic inaction, current events have caused her to move herself off of the well-worn fence and into a rare stand for a total cessation of all community-oriented activity whatsoever.

"Well, I cannot help but feel that change of any kind is just a bad thing" said the icon of inertia. "If the lazy, uninvolved people don't stand up and nip this crazy energy and activity in the bud, next thing you know the whole darn town will be sprucing up, making things better and generally creating a fuss all over the place. A large part of my self identity comes from justifying my personal failures by comparing myself to my surroundings, and if this Town improves my whole irrational excuse structure will topple over like that kitchen stool I never got around to fixing after the dadburn leg fell off in 1976" she said nervously. "I know on some level that my bold stand is a paradox - I mean it is so out of character for me to get involved in anything - but supporting the forces of inactivity just seemed sensible and prudent. Sometimes a person just has to take a stand for one's core beliefs, especially if by not doing so means that more activity might follow down the road. I darn near had a fit when they brought that 'no good' pavement in here - and who knows what other forms of devilry they are plotting over there!" she fumed - pointing disgustedly at the Town Hall with her ever-present cane made out of cow bones or something. "I still say that this town was perfectly all right without all those 'new fangled' streetlights cluttering up the place. And I drank bad water all my life and it never hurt me one bit - but oh no, we had to get some fancy new water system! Its crazy! That doggone Century West Engineering is just a bad influence - that's all there is too it. Sure, those engineers are smart and down-right 'dreamy'', but good looks and common sense are often strangers as we all know!"

Thankfully, one of the many activities that this group does not want to get involved in is voting, thus enabling the citizens who care about Lamont to elect officials with the mandate to actually get something done for a change.

Entire Town "Unimpressed" After Area Rancher Adopts "Monocle" As Way Of Exerting Social Dominance Over Peers

In an all too common insight into the fierce competitive social environment that area ranchers must survive in, local rancher Jed Bodine has resorted to wearing an affectation that, in his opinion, gives him that added air of sophistication and class that he needs to stay one step ahead of his rancher peers in the cutthroat social climate maintained by ranchers that have more than 500 cows. "Well, once you reach the magic number of 500 cows, the differences between individual ranch families pretty much blur into meaninglessness" said Bodine. "And given the natural rancher desire to look down on others and to be able to have some physical, outward sign of advantage and superiority, it just seemed logical to adopt an inefficient and cumbersome corrective lens that is indicative of 'old world' class, charm and snobbery. Plus, it gives the impression that I can do just as much work as the next guy with only one eye!" he said gleefully. "Of course, I can't see a darn thing but that is not the point, is it? What is important is not what I can actually do, but what others see me as doing - just like me going to that rancher church so people can see me acting all 'holier-than-thou'. Although the wife thinks I look like Winston Churchill or the Kaiser or something, it was still a stroke of genius, don't you think?" he beamed. "Just wait until "Old Man Snopes" hears about this! He'll spit his dentures right out into that vegetable soup he has to eat now that he has had his third triple by-pass! I just wish I could see that - but this monocle is just about worthless!!"

Sadly, the use of a monocle is only the latest in a long line of passive-aggressive ploys used across the region to "best' their fellow ranchers. Last year, several ranchers wore full tuxedos during round-up (rented, of course), adopted full grown Bengal tigers as house pets (which was none too popular with the herd!) and replaced the traditional 'baseball caps" with fetching yet awkward "silk top hats" that were indeed impressive but proved entirely unsuited for wearing while driving a tractor. (although one enterprising man installed a football helmet chin strap that seemed to improve things somewhat) Thankfully, there is no unnatural desire to compete against the citizens with fewer than 500 cows since they are obviously not a part of the 'cow aristocracy' and are below contempt in the first place. This last point is, at least, one thing that the 'rancher class' can all agree upon and could be used as a building block to begin the healing process and to stop the endless cycle of destructive competition that makes the Palouse a less than friendly place to live sometimes.

Retired Rancher 'Old Man Snopes' Can't Believe His 'No Good Son' Almost Ate The Whole Darn Herd!

Although he should be basking in his golden years after decades of hard work raising cattle in the Palouse, Jethro Snopes, patriarch of the Snopes clan of Lamont, was thrown in to a controversy that could, if left unchecked, unravel his dynastic ambitions and allow 50 years of hard work to be discarded like so many sparerib bones at the devil's own barbecue. "Well, the wife and I were enjoying the twilight of our lives in the one place we really love - the world class resort and spa - Dollywood - in Pigeon Forge, TN". said patriarch Snopes from a payphone at the 7-11 outside the "Grand Old Opera. "These should be the best of times! The wife still can't believe she saw Conway Twitty in the Piggly-Wiggly grocery store the other day. (All of the big name country stars shop at Piggly-Wiggly because of their extensive chewing tobacco selection and the 27 varieties of flavored pork rinds). So, when I got the call that the once proud herd I bequeathed to the only son dumb enough to stay and work the ranch had been whittled down to just a handful of animals, I just hit the roof. I started screaming and hollering - and the poor wife, bless her heart, thought I had seen Dolly herself and went running to get the camera and almost ran out into the street in her house coat and slippers, for Pete's sake!. (out of politeness he left out the part about the little pink curlers covering her unnaturally red hair) It was pure pandemonium!!" he said with brave understatement.

"Well, you do the best you can when it comes to raising kids, but there is really only so much you have to work with" said Poppa Snopes. "That boy of mine was nothing but a disappointment. I can't remember which one was a bigger milestone, getting a driver's license or no longer wetting the bed. It was just unfortunate that they both happened in the same year - it is better for self esteem if those major events are separated by a few years, in my opinion" said the patriarch. "So when we decided to leave the Palouse to immerse ourselves in the height of culture and class and move to Pigeon Forge, I gave that idiot son of mine specific instructions on the care and feeding of the herd. I even wrote it down!. I mean come on - what more could I do?" he whined. "What I want to know is how do you go from over 500 cows to just a handful in under 4 years? I mean, was the ranch invaded by barbarians or something? I just don't understand! I have heard of eating the seed corn before - but this takes that bad decision-making to a whole new level!" he seethed with a genuine look of consternation on his weather-beaten yet kindly face.

"I knew the wife let him watch too much TV as a kid. That stupid box just filled his head with high-fluting ideas and a big bunch of nonsense - and look where he is today!" he said distractedly while swiveling his head to look at a man who held a general likeness to Johnny Cash. "Well, at least I got enough to retire on. I coddled that boy for too long - he is just going to have to get himself out of this mess on his own. I just hope he can control his appetite until then - or at least try eating chicken or fish a couple of times a week. That boy's arteries must be as clogged as the Los Angeles freeway system after an earthquake" said Snopes, Sr. with a general tone of fatherly concern and what passes for love on the wind swept reaches of the Palouse.

Area Rancher Is Almost Positive That He Had More Cows Than That

After emerging from the house after a long three-day weekend, local rancher Buzz Snopes, heir to the once promising yet decidedly mediocre Snope's cattle concern, was shocked and dismayed to discover that he owned far fewer cows than previously thought. "What the heck?" What the.....? What happened to my once proud herd?" Snopes said after frantically looking behind the garage and in the small tool shed for any stragglers. "If this is all I got, then I am, in all fairness, no longer a rancher but am sadly in the 'guy that only has a few cows' category" he said regrettably. "And does this mean that they will kick me out of the Grange and/or make me sit in the back pew of the church with all those other unfortunate 'no cow' people? Just what the heck does this mean, really?" he asked inquisitively. "Have I inadvertently crossed some unseen social barrier that I was unaware of?"

Ex-rancher Snopes, an avid TV watcher, left his sprawling herd late Friday (after spending an inordinately long time in the 'tack room' where the hooch his wife doesn't know about is hidden - although there is no evidence of any actual imbibing) and went indoors to watch the entire 72 hour" Gunsmoke" marathon on TNT that highlights the golden years of the less than 'Wild West' and because of his fondness for Miss Kitty, the show's unfortunate trollop with a heart of gold. "Well, when the wife told me about the TV marathon, she mistakenly said it was for 'Bonanza' so I was all excited about seeing that lost episode where the Chinese cook, Hop Sing, finally loses it after years of subtle abuse and second class status (and little actual character development and growth) and turns all "Kung Fu" on the whole family until that bumbling blowhard "Hoss" had to finally sit on him to calm him down. That surprisingly graceful flying kick to 'Little Joe's' breadbasket while shouting obscenities in some foreign language was really impressive (those words were assumed to be obscenities - although no one is really sure given that no one speaks whatever language he was shouting as he went berserk), although the follow-up karate chops to the neck and shoulders as "Little Joe" lay crumpled over gasping for air and making gurgling sounds were kind of an overkill, in my humble opinion." said the rancher.

"Anyway! So, when I sat down in front of the TV with my jumbo bag of pork rinds and a big glass of lukewarm buttermilk and realized it was, in fact, a 'Gunsmoke' marathon, my disappointment was short lived because I have always appreciated the quiet dignity and poise that "Miss Kitty" maintained as she struggled in her role as a woman of strict moral fiber in the world's oldest profession. What a contradiction! What talent!!!" he beamed thoughtfully. "I could fall hard for a woman like that!" he mumbled - experiencing a rare moment of self-actualization as he glanced up at the house with guilt and regret for 'what might have been'.

"So, when I went outside after 72 hours of Hollywood inspired fluff (without a single cow patty in sight, by the way!!) and took a look at my once proud herd, it is no overstatement to say I was a little taken aback. I know we have been eating a lot of beef lately, but this is ridiculous! I knew I should have never bought that fancy new BBQ grill off that doggone shopping channel but that English sounding guy seemed so sincere and caring!! But on a happy note, I never could stand cows in the first place and the only reason I am even here is that out of all of my brothers I got the lowest test scores, so being the family dullard I stayed on the ranch as my smarter, more social brothers went off into the world to seek fame and fortune" he said. "And now that the old man retired and moved down South with Ma to be closer to "Dollywood" and the "Grand Old Opera" and I no longer have to live up to his impossible standards, I guess there is nothing holding me here other than a complete and total lack of skills outside of handling large livestock, that is. And who wants to be a rancher after that whole "Brokeback Mountain' fiasco, anyway? That kind of ruined it for a lot of us." said Snopes. "Well, there is nothing to do about it now. I wonder if 'Big Valley" is on yet. I could use a little Hollywood inspired ranching advice to see me thru this rough patch" he said optimistically.

Local Farmer Just Wishes Area Birds Would "Shut Up, Already!"

Although Spring is still officially any number of weeks away, The Town of Lamont has been inundated with an unusually large number of happy, chipper, energetic birds that seemed to materialize out of nowhere and who, according to some, are making "one heck of a burdensome racket, for Pete's sake!". The birds, a diverse and impressive mixture that would make even a jaded Audubon Society veteran perk up and take notice, are just happy to be in the lush surroundings of Lamont and are thankful to be no longer freezing their "beaks off" after what was, by all standards, a very cold winter indeed.

'Well, the wife and I appreciate nature as much as the next farmer/rancher family who view all living things as a means to an end in making a living, but do those darn birds have to be so happy and boisterous at 4:30 AM?" said Clem Bodine, an area farmer/rancher. "I mean come on. I remember what it was like to be young and frisky and to feel the unbridled promise of a new Spring coursing thru my veins like boiling lava from one of them fancy volcanoes in Hawaii that I always promised the wife I would take her to if she always kept the barn good and clean but somehow never got around to. The wife even kids me about my friskiness to this day, although I am not sure that is a good thing, come to think of it. But I don't remember having to make so much gosh-darn awful racket about it!" said Bodine.

"Being farmers, we don't see the cost benefit of having cats, heck, we barely had kids for that same reason - given the cost of food and all, but almost free labor is almost free labor - especially after we taught them to hunt and gather herbs and roots and to pretty much live off the land - but having a gaggle of cats would sure come in handy right about now. But I just can't justify the unwarranted expense of feeding them when all I want is a little peace and quiet. My Federal farm subsidies for not planting anything only go so far! I work hard for that money" he moaned. "Too bad roving packs of cats don't migrate at the same time as the birds - like wolves following the caribou herds. Then I would not have to feed them and I could be done with the birds, too. Life is filled with much unfairness" he said. When asked of her views on the subject, the blushing bride, Betsy Bodine, had no comment because she said you can't never trust them reporter types and if they had any manners they would call before coming over so she could have put on her Sunday best.

Town of Lamont Gripped By Turmoil Over Movie Choice For Family Movie Night

Although seemingly impossible, the social fabric of the Town of Lamont was stretched even further this week (without actually breaking) after it was learned that the Valentine's Day movie being put on for free in the Town (with free hotdogs, popcorn and drinks, too - every second Saturday of the month - 6:30 PM - Community Center) has, in fact, something to do with a young boy saving chimps or something and is not, as originally understood, a new 'Planet of the Apes" type flick with tons of action scenes and gratuitous, inter-species violence.

"Oh, the humanity! I can't believe what I am hearing!" bellowed the Mayor who believes that all 'Chick Flicks" are part of a greater communist conspiracy to soften the nation and make it ripe for overthrow. "Although this is not an actual 'town function' but is put on by Ruth Simpson and other 'Friends of Lamont'; as an elected official I still have a stake in making sure this small part of the country does not become a refuge for 'tree huggers', 'peaceniks' and people who wear berets and that sort of thing" said the Mayor - who thought the movie "Terminator II" was a borderline love story. "So, we are showing some movie about a boy saving chimps and finding a mother's love??? Oh, that is just so wrong! What are the other Mayors going to say when they hear about this? How will I hold my head up at the next Homeland Security Threat Analysis Round Table? Oh, the humiliation!" he whined.

"Well, I think it will be cute" said an unnamed woman who is likely to have her trash cans 'over looked' on the next garbage pick-up day. "What is wrong with a touching bible-centric story about saving animals, finding love within the family and coming of age under difficult circumstances?" she droned on endlessly. "Maybe that is what this country needs more of - instead of war and guts and aliens hell-bent on our destruction. Give peace and love a chance!" she concluded naively, totally ignoring the outrageous threats, both foreign and domestic, that face this once proud nation while shamelessly glossing over the very real chance of a rip in the space/time continuum that could allow disgusting man/apes to rule us with an iron hand until we outsmart them in the final 15 minutes.

Although the Town has no formal jurisdiction over this event, certain "Friends of Lamont" are keeping the original, touching, tear-inspiring movie under lock and key after rumors spread that the Mayor, for the good of the town and, indeed, the good of the nation, was determined to clandestinely slip another movie in its place before the show started - thus slowing this nation's gradual slide into moral decay. "Well, I heard that he was calling around looking for an original "Planet of the Apes" DVD and even tried to get his hands on the movies "Independence Day" or any one of the "Alien" series. So, we deemed it prudent to lock the thing up until show time. You just never know" said an organizer who is bringing her mother and 4 neighborhood kids from Sprague. "It is Valentine's Day, so having a sweet, touching movie just feels right to me, that's all. I'm really excited" she said foolishly with that vacant "Stepford Wife' look in her overly glossy eyes.

Local Groundhog Sees Shadow - Predicting Great Engineering Year For Town Of Lamont

In a cherished Lamont tradition that stretches back into our glorious past at least a few years, the now-famous local groundhog, Lamontawney Phil, when coming out of his hole or nook or subterranean chamber or whatever it is that rodents sleep in during the winter, did indeed see the desired shadow that portends another great infrastructure improvement year for the Town of Lamont. "Well, needless to say this is a big deal for us. As many towns shed their traditions like so many snakes discard last year's skin, Lamont might be considered, for lack of a better expression, a bunch of sentimental softies!" said the teary-eyed Mayor between sniffles. "So, time honored events like Groundhog Day mean a lot to us. Needless to say, as we waited in the cold for our groundhog "Phil" to make his appearance (our esteemed Councilman Dale Windsor only had to beat on the ground outside his hole two or three times with his shovel to rouse the lazy thing), it was with a mixture of hope, apprehension and a feeling that we were witnessing something bigger than ourselves."

"So, when 'Lamontawney Phil' came out of his hole and did indeed see the shadow of Dennis Fuller, President of Century West Engineering, (the official Town engineering firm) and good friend to the Town, (everyone knows that that whole 'seeing his own shadow thing' is fake - just like professional wrestling) we just knew that our chances were good to get a grant or some of that Federal stimulus money in the next six weeks" said the Mayor. "I don't know what it is about Dennis or his dadburn shadow, but whenever he is around good things just seem to happen. That stupid groundhog has been right every year since we started keeping records! First we got the water grant, then the road grant - and now who knows" he said.

"But on a serious note, I want to know which town employee left the darn hose out on the new sidewalk (the sidewalk was also done by Century West) and did such a terrible job of cutting the grass in the park. Heads will roll!!" he said peevishly. "And wouldn't you know that that dumb groundhog would make a beeline straight for an outward sign of our town's dysfunction when it was picture time - like last year when he got his picture taken by that garbage can that blew over in the park? Coincidence? I think NOT!!! It just makes us look bad! On some level I can't help but feel that that stupid rodent hates me. Why couldn't he stand by the new flagpole or our new picnic table? Maybe he is upset over that whole shovel banging thing - who knows - but sleeping past 10:00 AM on a workday just seems a little excessive to me! Its not like it is still hibernation season or anything. Rodents!! You just can't trust them - unless they are predicting exciting new engineering opportunities based on a huge influx of Federal dollars, that is" he said.

Local Rancher Dismayed To Learn New Prize Bull Just Wants Meaningful Relationship With "That Special Gal" - Thus Rejecting Herd At Large

In a major setback to his herd revitalization plans, an area rancher was discouraged by the realization that his new prize bull, costing well in excess of $22,000 (not including transportation fees), although of excellent lineage and possessing the physical qualities deemed ideal for the Palouse, scores high on the "sentimentality scale" and feels that casual relationships with any old heifer fall well outside his comfort zone and would prefer a setup similar to the hit TV show "The Bachelor" before making any commitments that could lead to the inevitable emotional attachments so common in the animal world.

"Oh, for Pete's sake!! What next?" bellowed the rancher while shaking his fist wildly at the sky. "First, my daughter comes home from college with blue hair, a nose ring and probably any number of tattoos for all I know, the wife is on some yoga kick and feels that feeding the family tofu 4-5 times a week can lead to inner peace and harmony, the cat has taken up using my bathroom slippers as a litter box and now this!!!" he whined. "Who ever heard of a bull who wants to fall in love? That's just wrong! Next thing you know I will be pumping Frank Sinatra music out into the pasture and placing mood candles on the salt lick!! I feel like I am the victim of some kind of voodoo curse or hex or something. It is all so unbelievable!" he exclaimed. "Old Man Jenkins just got a new bull - why can't this sort of thing happen to him and not me? Oh, why is it always me?"

Sadly, the only solutions the rancher has received for this vexing problem came from his loving wife and daughter. The daughter, a literature major at UW, feels that this is a natural by-product of post-industrial turmoil and global warming and suggests adding some 'illegal herbs' to the bull's food (she can talk to her supplier back on campus) while the wife keeps sneaking out at odd hours to clandestinely mix tofu into the feed box in the corral where the bull spends a majority of his time. "I feel I am losing touch with reality here. I really do" mumbled the rancher. "Why does stuff like this always seem to happen to me? Oh, why me?"

Local Mayor Faces Own Worst Fears In Showdown With Giant Man

A local Mayor, long renowned for his diminutive stature and natural ability to walk under things without bumping his head, was thrown into a situation where he was forced to interact with a person who, by Lamont standards, was "a dadburn giant of a man!!". "Well, we were all honored to have Mike McCarty, acting Executive Director of the AWC (Assoc. of Washington Cities) come to our humble berg for a 'meet and greet" said the vertically and horizontally challenged Mayor. "The AWC is one of those organizations that make managing a town like Lamont so much easier, and we are thankful for them and, of course, were very pleased to be able to put a name with a face. So, when I heard a noise at the door and got up to see if that was him arriving from Olympia, one can imagine my surprise when this huge mountain of a man came crouching thru the door and towered above me like Doom itself. It was like I had been transported into Gulliver's Travels and I was the Mayor of the Lilliputians!!" he said.

"So, in order to mask the almost comical differences in stature I quickly made introductions and lead him to his chair so that he could sit down and I could thus avoid the comparative chuckles, snorts and snickers from the assembled council members and clerk/treasurer. I did receive one knowing sideways glance from Ruth Simpson that signified her recognition of the obvious size disparity (Ruth's keen observation skills are oftentimes even appreciated), but a swift kick under the table kept her from pursuing that unfortunate subject matter any further. I mean, Mike was so nice and well spoken and professional, a real pleasure to talk to - and I found myself almost forgetting that we were so physically different that an outside observer would be forgiven for thinking we were from entirely different species. It was like putting a pug next to a Great Dane, for Pete's sake! I mean come on. I was swimming in the shallow end of the gene pool there - make no mistake about it. Let's be honest here. I drank one heck of a lot of milk as a kid, but for some reason I was just programmed to have the body dimensions of Danny DeVito, I guess" he said dejectedly. "So, being a few inches taller than your dad is not all that important, after all!"

After successfully suppressing his completely natural yet overwhelming feelings of genetic inadequacy and making sure he did not slide his hand in his shirt like that other really short guy Napoleon used to do (and after making a mental note to never invade Russia), the Mayor avoided what could have been a "Waterloo moment" by not running from the room to warn the townsfolk of the potential danger of having a giant running loose and unchecked in Lamont on a Saturday morning and/or looking for 5 round rocks like his shrimpy role model David did when confronted with his own Goliath. "All in all it was an A+ of a meeting. Our positive views of the AWC were only enhanced by the professional demeanor of Mike McCarty - and I feel that we were able to share our differing perspectives of our respective organizations. The state of the Town is strong - and with partners like the AWC it is also bright!" he stammered clumsily in a vain attempt to distract from the insurmountable yet outrageous dissimilarities in stature and bearing and to pull the subject back to safer emotional ground from which to contemplate the unfairness of it all and to seek the embracing refuge of "what might have been" had the twisting double helix of Fate combined in a slightly different pattern all those years ago.

Local Man Can't Understand What All The Fuss Is About, For Pete's Sake!!

A local resident reports being amazed, befuddled, perplexed and 'down-right flummoxed' over all the hubbub that seems to be swirling in the town for no apparent reason. "Well, you would think a dadburn fox just took up residence in the chicken coop the way these hens are running around squawking and flapping their wings and carrying on! I ain't never seen anything like it - at least not since last winter!" said the man who prides himself on his internal reserve and keen sense of social perspective. "I mean, I don't know if the long winter has just kept people's natural need for drama all bottled up and with the slightly warmer temperatures they now feel the uncontrollable urge to make up for lost time or what. It seems like every time I venture outside it appears that the whole town is just 'a-twitter' about one thing or another. Its very disconcerting" he said. Although I do not, in fact, have any idea what the whole ruckus is about, it just seems like there are real and more pressing issues in the world and time and energy might be better spent focusing on them" he said. "Can't we all just get along?"

"Well, human beings are really a mess when you get right down to it" said Dr. Mary Fletcher, an area psychoanalyst. "The human experience is a strange blend of self obsession and a herd mentality. When you combine these two volatile and seemingly mutually exclusive components into a small town setting, the result can reach the absurd very quickly" she said. "What I advise my patients to do is to cut down on Oprah and the Jerry Springer Show, get as much exercise as possible and always remember that your rights end where another person's nose begins. Sadly, I lose a lot of patients that way, but I have to be true to myself, doggone it!" Upon further analysis, it appears that no one in the whole town can remember what they were upset about in the first place - but they know that it was important and well worth the investment of time, however, and anyone who disagrees with them is a 'no good so-and-so'."

Local Man Can't Believe Area Rancher Can't Smell That

In a rare atmosphere of compromise and reconciliation, two (2) area men finally agreed to disagree over whether the air quality at an area ranch was reminiscent of the nightmarish stench of the very pits of hell itself or was a good bit better after that last rain that came thru. "Oh, for the love of every thing good! It was horrible. Oh, the humanity!" said the man who spends little time on an actual working ranch. "The last time my senses were so viciously assaulted like that was when the wife asked me to grab the keys out of her purse and I accidentally hit the button on her pepper spray and had to take almost the whole week off from work" said the man. "When I got to the ranch and stepped out of my car to walk up to the door, I received the full sensory assault and was momentarily immobilized. It was all so sudden and confusing" he said earnestly. "So, when my eyes cleared and I was able to tamp down my natural desire to flee the scene on foot in a blind panic, I half expected to see the ground littered with the unfortunate bodies of dead birds that, thru no fault of their own, happened to stray into the airspace of what is obviously a very inhospitable place for any living thing besides a cow" he whined. (no birds were harmed in the making of this blog) "Oh, the wife has been nagging me to adopt a more vegetarian approach to my diet which I have resisted just on principle alone, but after this I am not sure what I will have to do" he said. "If I give in on something like this, the next thing you know she will be picking out my clothes and dragging me to the opera or something" he said sagely. When asked for comment, the rancher expressed surprise and befuddlement and his only comment before heading back out to the barn was "What? I don't smell anything". (Thanks for helping to spread the word about Lamont, Karen!)

Local Cow Disheartened To Learn Much Prized "Gang Tattoo" Is Just Rancher's Brand For Easy Identification

In a disturbing realization that not only undermines years of self-identity and a sense of belonging to 'something bigger than himself', a local cow's self concept was laid low after he realized that rather than belonging to a renegade group of 'homeboys' known as the "Hooves", he was in fact just one small cog in the much larger American food distribution system. Another painful aspect of this realization was also highlighted by the fact that, rather than a mark of rebellion and freedom, this once proud and highly cherished symbol on his hip, in reality, means that he will at some point be baked, barbecued, sauteed or stir fried by strangers who don't appreciate the struggles he has endured on behalf of his 'herd" - and that he is just a pawn of 'the man', after all.

"Well, this pulling the rug out from under his self perception like that has to be damaging on so many levels" said Sue Martin, an area animal behaviorist. "First off, belonging to the group has been important to cows for many years - especially in the presence of predators. There is a natural growth of gang loyalties and a suspicion of outsiders and 'cows of a different color', if you will. But to realize that your whole social structure is one big farce and that the only reason for his existence is to be served up on 'the man's' table and that all of his hopes and dreams of respect and freedom are all just vapors is a hard blow to take. To realize that your life has no independent purpose is a hard pill to swallow, but on some level it is one that we all must face at some point, I assume" she said.

Local Agricultural Chemical Salesman Secretly Hopes For Massive Parasite Infestation This Spring

Festus Martin, the local chemical rep for a well-known chemical company specializing in servicing the livestock industry, is secretly hoping for unusual sun spot activity, planetary alignment, a long dormant Indian curse or whatever it is that makes some years considerably more miserable for cattle and sheep in regard to overwhelming numbers of blood sucking parasites. "Well, although on the surface the casual observer might attribute my blatant desire for a biblical plague-like disaster to beset my customers on account of my new boat payment, but in reality I just have an over developed need for acceptance and know that if nature would just throw me a bone here I would be one of the most popular people in the Palouse - maybe even Eastern Washington - at least until October or November" he said. "Sure, it can get a little discouraging to have these farmers and ranchers audibly groan when I saunter up to their table at the coffee shop or act like they are changing the CD in the CD player when I sidle up to their car as they wait for their wife outside Kathy's grocery store. Is asking for a little respect and acceptance every now and then too much to expect? Opportunistic salesmen need love too, don't they? It is not like I am the darn parasite, after all."

Lamontshire Terrier (AKA Norwich Terrier) Now The Official Town Dog

In a bold move sure to leave beagle and Labrador owners wringing their hands in envy and consternation, the Town of Lamont has officially decreed that the cute, feisty, somewhat yappy breed best known for its obvious visual similarity to those "Teddy Bear-looking-things" in the Star Wars movies is now the standard that all other dogs in Town will be judged against. Although often regrettably called the "Norwich Terrier" by snooty, upper crust English types who use cigarette holders, hold their pinkies out when they drink tea and use the word 'darling' all the time (not to mention breeders or anyone who knows anything about dogs), this rough and tumble breed, the Lamontshire Terrier, is well renowned for their affectionate personalities, their propensity for getting stuck in tight spaces (that more often than not require human intervention) as they search for such illusive and wily prey as the common field mouse (an all too common yet unfortunate fixture in the less refined segments of our bustling metropolis) and for their long standing grudge against a vast majority of the world's bird population.

"Well, every town needs a standard to rally around, and being chronic underachievers, we all decided that we needed a town dog - but contrary to our usual pattern, we did not pick some mongrel mix - but decided to go upscale and choose a dog with such fine qualities as loyalty, spunk, friendliness and a strong team/pack orientation" said the Mayor who only owns cats. "Although many think that we are over reaching by choosing such a refined and prestigious breed, we figured that if we were going to reach for the stars, this was a good place to start. As my grandma always said, 'If you need 5 but want 7 - always ask for 10 or 11" he rambled for no obvious reason. "This was not done to make the Blue Tick hound enthusiasts or the Pomeranian proponents feel crushing levels of inadequacy, but if one does not set the bar high, how are we to grow and expand our horizons?" he said. Although not official, rumor has it that the common "black-eyed pea" is on the short list for the "Official Town Legume" - although the 'chick pea' lobby is laying the groundwork for a startling reversal of conventional wisdom and the status quo.